human things: independence and tragedy

Rigoberta Menchu won the 1992 Nobel Peace Prize because she lived with her eyes open and then did something about it.

Sometimes, when we least expect it, we are given the freedom we've been waiting for.

i didn't realize how important it was to hear affirming words from people in authority over me. The turning point to my week--and probably to my semester--was my professor's "you are a good student" and "you're motivated," because i didn't think i was. Not truly in my bones i didn't. But now i know, and everything that was a struggle before--just stuff like studying and getting homework done--is so much easier now.

The other day i put my three herb-sprouted pots outside before the overnight rain. When i looked out the window after business of a day, the realization hit--there were only two in that cardboard on that rail. i ran down the deck stairs and to the ruins of basil-dirt.. the pot was intact, but i had no idea where the baby seeds were. i didn't hold back tears because i wasn't crying but i felt like i should. It was one of those moments where the depravity of the world, of accidental mishap that has life-quenching consequences, created a beautiful sorrow in me like tragedy in real life. I know it was just a few seeds, but doesn't everything feel that way that isn't how it Should be?

Rainy days make me a little bit tragic and a lot pensive. Sunny days make me joyful with a hint of longing. It seems that most people i talk to are affected by the weather in some pattern like that.

Days come and go and keep coming and going. There's an unknown number of them.

Adding to the list:
-the need to be affirmed
-tragedy
-mood changes based on weather
-finity of life

it's so easy

One of my favorite parts about being away from home was writing back. A captive audience made it so enjoyable. And now i don't write as often as i should because i "don't have time."

This time that i'm using right now i actually don't have. It's like spending money--it's literally in the account, but it will literally be needed next month--but it's there, it's easy to spend. This time is here now, and it won't be tomorrow, but it's easy to waste because there is no urgency. It's got to be budgeted and sorted and packaged and saved and used as promised.. but it's so easy to live in free blindness rather than safe diligence.

I love the Fayetteville Public Library and its story-windows. You can see so much of the sky through the library windows. I think that's important to everything that libraries represent.

A bad habit that i've gotten into is waiting a very long time when i'm thirsty before i drink water.

My daddy can look at an airplane flying overhead and say what it is. I wish i could do that, too. i know sort of generally C1-30s and F-15 and 16s, and B-17s, and that those mean Cargo and Fighter and Bomber, but they don't fly over Fayetteville very often. I'd also like to know more about meteorology.

Pointless rambling, anyone? Why do i post this on the World Wide Web for all to see?

cold without electricity

If my life were paced like the past couple have been--slow, contemplative, unrushed--i could write books. The Tin House has been getting colder by temperature but warmer by roommate-love: we've been cooking, eating, sitting, drinking, talking, walking, shivering, deciding, laughing together. It's a beautiful thing.

there is a great, noble life outside this window in the snow

I like that they call snow flurries snow flurries. Because that's what they do. And i'm really glad that i am sitting at this upstairs library table, right where the gnarly, angley, reachy tree can see me and tell me it's snowing. If it wasn't there i would have no distinction between the snow-motes and their mothering panel of cloud. I love that tree from very inside me, and i know that if i were snuggled in its hug i would still be cold because i would be outside and it's snowing. And there is a little sugaring on its branches already.

Moments like this have to be taken as they come, no matter what deadlines have me in their nooses, no matter how close the countdown is to zero. Life is worth living when i can take minutes to blog about my tree and the snow. But i also have to get to work. And so shall i.

I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall i be saved from mine enemies.
Psalm 18:3

celestial tea-saucer

every culture has had religion. there is evidence, always, of some thought of the afterlife or spirits or something intangibly real. flowers in graves. doesn't mean there is a spiritual realm, Dr. Atheist, it just means that it bears investigation. just like if everyone agreed that there was a saucer of tea up in the sky between the moon and the sun. it would be weird. but if Every Person thought so, i'd think we should check it out.

Those are my thoughts on the topic of Tuesday's discussion in my World Civilization class. My thoughts right now are that i should be less "Laconic" in my writing. I don't take enough time to wrestle sentences out of my mind when just words will do--correct but not excellent. And i don't write until i don't have time.

Do you have that one piece of clothing that always gets stained? My Thai pants have had way too many interactions with liquids that do not make them clean.

It's a beautiful day; i'm going to do laundry, study, and write a letter before making actual food for dinner and then studying some more. I would rather go on a photo-walk, or paint, or plant a garden, or ride my bike to Kingdom Come to see who's waiting for me there.

ninjas don't attend weddings

(My weak attempt at weekly. No guarantees.)

On Thursday morning some friends and i decided to have the traditional (but still incredibly tasty) muffin at the Little Bread Co. and then stroll about the Farmer's Market--a typical but wonderful summer habit of our'n. As we settled into our outdoor booth (who is a huge fan of the little outside wonderland of garden dining right beside the LBC!?), a small boy of Peter Pan-ish expression popped out from the back Secret Hideout area, and joined our breakfast party.

Of the many learned topics we discussed, which included several games and performances on his part, one of note was his undecided future career. "Well," he said decidedly, "I have six choices." He proceeded to name them, and i'm pretty sure singer, drummer, game-maker, baker, and author were among them. He then sang a song (very impressively, i must add), exhorted us to attend his Hawaii Party, and had us guess the name of a series of books he was reading. The titles all had the same pattern: [pl. noun, usu. fantastical character] Don't [verb] [direct object].

This kid is 6 years old. (His parents own the bakery or something; he was being watched over.) It was the most entertaining breakfast any of us had ever experienced.

summer

I wasn't expecting to have a summer. But i got one. It's sad, in a sense, because i'm not around the family that i was just getting to know at Lewis & Clark, and i have no income, but i get to be with my real family. It's significant to me that i lost my job the very same day that my sister had her very last final. If that's not indicative of the need for spending time with her, i don't know what is.

We're leaving on Sunday for France. I don't know if i'll have any sort of consistent Internet access, but if i do, you'll know. Hopefully i'll have gotten over my non-picture-taking phase, and will have something to show for my trip.

I have some thoughts, but they don't want to come out just yet. A real post will hopefully happen soon.

temporary

Monday: sick, stayed on the couch for about 10 hours.
Tuesday: went on a road trip to Mansfield, MO with the Baileys and the sister.
Wednesday: stayed inside all day, longing to be outside in the beauty of the day but somehow felt absolutely constrained.
Thursday: possible hike, possible ride, Bible study.
Friday: people arrive to stay at my house along with 2 dogs.
Saturday: wedding in Eureka Springs.

I'm really really really ready to be in another country right now, looking at ancient rocks and writing papers about how we think people used to live their lives. I love the summer feeling of Europe. and i hate it when my muscles say, "Very soon we will implode. Please run or something." and i do nothing about it.

nomads

The idea behind the conference is to follow Jesus wherever He goes--giving up attachment to stuff and people and places, and trusting Him for shelter and provision. It doesn't mean sell all and be homeless and unemployed (for most people); it means living with eyes and ears on Him, ready to go anywhere at anytime, and do anything that He may ask.

I'm in the baby stages of learning how to live like that. It's difficult, and it's a process, and it probably looks like the most horrible way to live if you haven't been there. But trials produce perseverance and character and ultimately a hope that is guaranteed to be fulfilled (Romans 5:3-5). And it's the most wonderful thing to be sure of nothing but that you're in absolutely trustworthy hands. It's living eternally instead of temporally. It's not knowing where you're going, but trusting your Leader with everything you have. It's acting from deep passion and conviction, not from responsibility or others' expectations.

He is so good, and faithful, and just, and holy, and full of love and tenderness and fire.

get out the way, Old Dan Tucker

This weekend is the Nomads conference in OKC. I'm glad, because i am a nomad. And i'm so much more ready for it this year than i was last year (it was in the middle of a crazy calculus/greek/art/french/philosophy semester, not a rolling Springtime non-fanatically-busy life).

I've learned several things recently:

• I REALLY love folk music.
• Seeing the inside of people means you have to go through the outside of them. Sometimes the inside is scarier than the outside.
• Things like rock climbing, or running or biking or hiking or etc., are still beneficial if you do them only once a week! i thought somehow that if you don't do something at least two or three times a week, it has no effect on your body. But it does.
• Listening and obeying is much better than hearing and rationalizing. *Note: this lesson has been being learned (ooh! did i just make a perfect imperfect? or a perfect passive participle?) for my entire life, and i will probably still be learning (future participial imperfect? what?) it all my life.

Well, have a great weekend. I'll probably letcha know how it went.

AND you've been wating for this:

..You're too late to get chur supper!!

a good day

I realize that this blog sort of directly went from Thailand to... nothing. I left it up to your attentively detective minds to figure out where i was and what i was doing. So, this is my remedial post (i know that i have three avid readers, and you all know my where- and whatabouts, so this is mostly for the non-avid section of blog traffic). A description of my day today--a pretty nice one--will do the job credibly, i think.

It was an unusual day in that Mother is on a retreat this weekend, so it's just my sister and me with our father. We manage nicely, i think, but it was strange to wake up and not smell her coffee. Culinarily, the day started off delightfully with a batch of dad-made pancakes--a Saturday morning tradition that makes itself far too scarce these days. Nothing beats the whole-wheat-and-buttermilk heartiness of that breakfast. We lingered over breakfast for a while in discussion, and then went about our business for the day.

Though the shift was rather longer than usual at work today (Lewis and Clark Outfitters), it was a pleasant one. I greeted folks, directed them to the disc golf discs, informed them of the features of various waterproof/breathable jackets, offered them bottles of water, put clothes in fitting rooms for them, and took their money before they left (though many times all there is to do is walk about, straighten the occasional clothes rack, and muse with my cohorts). It was busy here and there, and many of the customers were cheerful and appreciative, which is SUCH a wonderful environment to work in. There are days when most people who come in are grumpy or generally unpleasant, and that makes the day much more difficult. For lunch i brought a mozarella/alfalfa sprout sandwich with hummus on whole wheat, along with some strawberries--delightful. My friend Rebekah came in towards the end of the afternoon, which was a very pleasant surprise. I love visitors!

A change of plan saw me home tonight for dinner. Lindsey and i ran (and biked, respectively) to the grocery store, didn't find what we needed, but DID find a can of gooseberries. Must make a pie, we says. And so, after throwing together a casserole and salad for dinner, i set off to make my First Gooseberry Pie Ever. I had half the filling for the regular amount of crust, so it was a little thin, but it tasted great! It was, in all, a satisfying meal.

So, there you have it! I work, cook (not as often when Mom's around), and do whatever strikes my fancy--which is usually much more pleasant if it is done with friends or family, or outdoors. Hurrah!

cookery

I've been mussing about in the kitchen quite a bit lately, and thought i should share some of my successful recipes with you.

Yummy Cookie Things That I Sort Of Made Up
Preheat the oven! 350.
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup white flour
almost 1 cup wheat germ (about 1/2 inch from the top of the measuring cup)
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
Blend these until it looks like a pile of healthy nutrition. Then make a depression in the middle and add:
large glop of peanut butter (maybe around 1/2 cup?)
1 stick softened butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1 egg
several squirts of vanilla extract
Start mashing these around until it starts looking uniform. If it is too dry, add:
another egg
and maybe 2 tblsp vegetable oil (if it's still too dry). It shouldn't stick to the bowl much, and be nicely massive.
Add about 1/2 cup of coconut, and mix again.
Roll with your hands into little balls (about 1 inch in diameter) and bake for about 12 minutes, until the top looks dry. These are so small and yummy that they're hard to stop eating, so beware! Also, i baked some extra dough in the bottom of a pie pan and it made an excellent cheesecake crust.

Really Delicious Bok Choy Salad
Dressing:
1/2 cup vinegar (my recipe said red wine vinegar, but i used apple cider because that's what we had)
1/2 cup olive oil
1/2 cup white sugar (this seemed like a lot to me. Maybe less would be better.)
2 tblsp soy sauce
Mix and set aside.
Salad:
1 head bok choy
Wash and shred. The white stems are good, too, but i used mostly the leaves.
The recipe called for green onions, but i didn't add any.
Crunchies:
1.5 cup chow mein noodles (the recipe called for 2 packages of dry ramen, which i think would be better)
1/2 cup slivered almonds
Stir-fry in a little oil for a few minutes, until crunchy and flavorful. Careful to keep stirring or it burns!
Add the crunchies to the salad, and toss with the dressing. Serve immediately.