human things: independence and tragedy

Rigoberta Menchu won the 1992 Nobel Peace Prize because she lived with her eyes open and then did something about it.

Sometimes, when we least expect it, we are given the freedom we've been waiting for.

i didn't realize how important it was to hear affirming words from people in authority over me. The turning point to my week--and probably to my semester--was my professor's "you are a good student" and "you're motivated," because i didn't think i was. Not truly in my bones i didn't. But now i know, and everything that was a struggle before--just stuff like studying and getting homework done--is so much easier now.

The other day i put my three herb-sprouted pots outside before the overnight rain. When i looked out the window after business of a day, the realization hit--there were only two in that cardboard on that rail. i ran down the deck stairs and to the ruins of basil-dirt.. the pot was intact, but i had no idea where the baby seeds were. i didn't hold back tears because i wasn't crying but i felt like i should. It was one of those moments where the depravity of the world, of accidental mishap that has life-quenching consequences, created a beautiful sorrow in me like tragedy in real life. I know it was just a few seeds, but doesn't everything feel that way that isn't how it Should be?

Rainy days make me a little bit tragic and a lot pensive. Sunny days make me joyful with a hint of longing. It seems that most people i talk to are affected by the weather in some pattern like that.

Days come and go and keep coming and going. There's an unknown number of them.

Adding to the list:
-the need to be affirmed
-tragedy
-mood changes based on weather
-finity of life

human things

A long time ago i started making a list of things that are common to all humans (and not animals)--trans-culture, -gender, -time, -geography--because i wanted to embrace the things that are integral to my being human, and de-priortitize things that are not. With the design to include every possible item, i started with the obvious:

• family/friends
• language
• relationships in general
• food preparation
• education
• rites of passage
• dwellings
• going to work and coming back
• caring for children
• exploring one's environs
• technology and the improvement thereof

Then i sort of stopped because i thought it was a little too obvious.
But i want to think about it more. Things that i truly love, and feel that i was created to do, or that i feel are innate (sometimes wrong things), bring me back to this list--i see that they come from my being a person.

• desire to know the weather
• reluctance to submit to authority
• desire to know the source of right and wrong (and many other things)
• dancing and singing
• love and suffering
  
• paradox: longing for freedom but continuing in (sometimes subconscious) self-repression; and many others
• philosophizing about life, no matter one's education or "right" to do so
  

Some days it's harder to be a person than others.

Oo, here's a thought: what if the only reason that humans have language and other creatures don't is because we were created for deep relationship? Animals have purely physical, selfish relationships because they have no way of communicating their deeper thoughts (if they have any, which i doubt). Complex language for them would be pointless because all they would say (as they do now, in their own utterances) would be stuff like "FOOD!" and "Oh no!" and "Get away from my ____". But we, agonizingly and ecstatically, have so much complexity and depth that language, as wonderful and useful as it is, doesn't come close to portraying all that we are. I think that is because there is a spiritual part of us that is inexpressible with words--and animals don't have that.

In light of that, i wonder which of the things on the list are there because they are also characteristics of God, the Spirit, the Creator? Or at least because they are spiritual things. I don't think God struggles with stuff like selfishness. Maybe that is a direct result of our having spirits AND bodies--the spirit gets corrupted. Hmm, that sounds like something Paul would say.
...
Um, so, go do a BibleGateway search for "flesh and spirit" and start thinking. It will blow you away. I don't have time for expository on all of that right now. Here are a few relevant ones to what i've been discussing here:

1. John 3:6
   Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.
   
2. John 6:63
   The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life.
3. Mark 14:38
   Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
4. Romans 8:10
   But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness.
5. Romans 8:13
   For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live,
6. 1 Corinthians 6:19
   Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;
   

Yay! Who knew that a simple philosophizing bog post would turn into a Bible study? "Not i," said the fly. Nor i, to be sure. That was a lot more fun than starting on my 10-page paper that is due in 3 days.

So help me add to the list!

a cross-out life

Whenever i complete an item on a to-do list, i strike it through rather than check it off. There is such victorious closure in that gesture. If something becomes irrelevant or impossible for my list, i scribble it out, sometimes until it's unreadable. Maybe this comes from my tendency to reverse-self-investigate (e.g. if anyone wanted to discover why or when i did this or what i wrote here, they couldn't discover it in this way but would have to think about this other thing). Too much Sherlock Holmes as a child, perhaps?

A couple of weeks ago i made a list of lists to make (while driving).

• things that go through a cycle of being bad, reaching a prime, and then being bad again (as opposed to being awesome at first and then declining, or things that get better with age)
  
• things that get better with age
• things that are awesome at first then decline
• unusual things that can be done safely while driving
  
• eccentricities to try
• languages to know
• things to tell kids about life
  
• things not to buy

I want to start saving quotes from books that i read and organizing them into easily accessible format. The easiest way of doing that is making a blog post and labeling it, so don't be surprised if that starts happening.

dulce et decorum est

It's Wilfred Owen's famous WWI poem about 'the old Lie.' I read it in the 10th grade. Now i'm studying Latin (or maybe glancing at it for about 5 minutes 3 days a week) and random words pop into my head, such as 'cenam parat' and 'fessa est,' et cetera, like lots of times when i'm learning a new language.

I'm going to tie that in to the Fall of Man somehow whenever i dig my notes back out. I'm going to talk about the childlikeness of blaming one another, the serpent eating dust, consciousness and dependence, and lots of other deep thoughts from the beginning of Genesis. I won't leave you lost in the middle of a deep, dark journey without leading you to the end, like i did last time.

I'm also going to make these curtains match someday, put oil in my car, stop eating lots of cooked food, and put rubber bands in my braces for the last week. Like Amber, i'm going to have a date with Writing.

a potted watch never boils

I don't like it when a post starts forming in my head and then i get distracted and it blows to smithereens and i don't even hear the explosion. (I would like to take this moment to point out that Amber Haines taught me the power of a sustained metaphor. Thank you, Amber.)

This week at Camp Barnabas made me think and feel a lot. And i shouldn't do the promise-i'll-write-later thing (i'm trying, along with using specific vocabulary for EVERYTHING, to also never procrastinate ANYTHING--both of which sting the same lazy area of the self) but i will.

Some topics that are rumbling in the popcorn machine of my brain:
-cussin' (a very, very belated response to this)
-pain (there's so much more on that)
-imaginary friends

Good night.

get out the way, Old Dan Tucker

This weekend is the Nomads conference in OKC. I'm glad, because i am a nomad. And i'm so much more ready for it this year than i was last year (it was in the middle of a crazy calculus/greek/art/french/philosophy semester, not a rolling Springtime non-fanatically-busy life).

I've learned several things recently:

• I REALLY love folk music.
• Seeing the inside of people means you have to go through the outside of them. Sometimes the inside is scarier than the outside.
• Things like rock climbing, or running or biking or hiking or etc., are still beneficial if you do them only once a week! i thought somehow that if you don't do something at least two or three times a week, it has no effect on your body. But it does.
• Listening and obeying is much better than hearing and rationalizing. *Note: this lesson has been being learned (ooh! did i just make a perfect imperfect? or a perfect passive participle?) for my entire life, and i will probably still be learning (future participial imperfect? what?) it all my life.

Well, have a great weekend. I'll probably letcha know how it went.

AND you've been wating for this:

..You're too late to get chur supper!!

i can't wait

Here are some things that i love to think may be in my future.

• My own garden.
  
• My own kitchen.
• My own rambunctious family of boys who love adventure and wild things.
• My own man to love and submit to and help.

I'm thankful for all the blessings i have now.. but the possibility of these things (among a great many others) is brightly shining ahead of me, and makes my heart skip.

here comes the sun

It's been a crazy week so far; it feels like it's been eons long. I've spent lots of time at dear Lewis & Clark. My emotions have gone wild. And i've leared several valuable lessons.

1) Pay close attention to following distance, especially when it's rush hour and there is a long line of vehicles on the on-ramp. If you don't, one likely outcome is an hour spent trying to un-spear your front bumper from the truck's trailer hitch in front of you, and a driver's door that is inoperable. I know all this from experience. Tip: offering carrot sticks, no matter how delicious, can be ineffective as apology for delaying 4 youths from their dinner.

2) The word "haver" means to talk foolishly or babble, used mostly in Scottish English. Just thought you should know. It's in that song... you know.. the one about walking a thousand miles to fall down at your door (probably one of my top ten favorite songs in the universe. i just love it a whole lot). And i was so curious.

3) It's much easier to wake up early when we have Sprung Forward (perhaps i shall rant about that at another time.. i strongly disagree with Daylight Savings adjustments) when you have an incentive, such as a meeting for Bible study that you know is going to refresh your soul and challenge your heart and realign your priorities. However, it is disappointing to miss the sunrise because of said time change.

4) Casting your cares upon the LORD is an effective way to practice humility. Drinking chocolate malts is not. This is sort of a strange one, and kind of the reason i started this blog entry. Ever since i got back from my meanderings, i've been eating really properly and healthily, almost like i don't care about food anymore. Before i would count food groups and relish sweets and always lick the bowl when i made a cake, and loved food. Lately it's been more that i eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm full, have what is yummy and healthy, and not really have an appetite for sweets. It's wonderful because i'm always satisfied and full of energy, and food isn't that important to me--i don't think about it much. But today, for some reason, it seemed that i went back to old habits. I had half of Colin's cinnamon roll at work when i had already had a delicious and fulfilling breakfast, and after i ate a perfectly satisfactory lunch, i went to Sonic and got a chocolate malt. Why? I guess i'm used to indulging. But it was against my preference. I didn't really want either the roll or the malt--i had them out of habit. So if humility is "just being honest," then it was prideful to eat those things. I didn't want them. I was satisfied without them. Plus, they were an avenue for worry, because i know what sweet and fatty things do to bodies. That care was something that i didn't cast upon the LORD. I had created it myself.

I love learning lessons. I love growing and making mistakes and learning how not to make them in the future. I love not being perfect. It makes life interesting.

...it's all right.

odds and ends

Within the past week, i have:

• had a song stuck in my head for over 60 hours, off and on, but mostly on since those hours involved two overnight bus rides on which i did not sleep very much (it was "Suicidal" or whatever--a song that i actually like for some reason, but i wouldn't mind never hearing it again at this point)
• galloped down a relatively clean and unpopulated beach on an Australian horse
• helped dig a hole for a septic system
• been ill
• traveled most of the north-south span of Thailand
• killed some cockroaches on a bus
• philosophized about life
• lost a grandfather
• eaten two scoops of blueberry ice cream for about 15 cents
• said "all right, pooch" and patted a dog on the head whose name was Pooch, not Gromit
• worn long pants for the first time in about a month
• listened to one of the most incredible songs in modern history ("Oh What a World" by Rufus Wainwright)
• been locked out of a room, and spent my time looking at the pictures in a Thai newspaper

Tidbits of Thailand

The Thai language is really beautiful. There are five tones (low, mid, high, rising, falling) and the script has over 40 characters (i think) and many of them are very similar. It would be a very difficult language to study in depth (though not as much as Mandarin, i think, because the characters are made of an alphabet, not words).
Here is the extent of my Thai:
Sawatdee-kaa! Hello!
Korp kun kaa. Thank you.
Sam Three
See* Four
Sip Ten
*most recent addition

The most recent thing that has caught my attention about Bangkok is that i never see any old, junky cars like in America. They all drive really nice cars, and if they are older models, they don't look abused. I'm not sure why this is, but my current theory is that only rich people drive cars, and then they take really good care of them. I was expecting the compactness of Europe in the roads and transportation here, but that's not the case--the roads are wide and the vehicles are as large as in America. They do drive on the left, which was intriguing to me; upon further research, Thailand, Japan, and Indonesia are the only countries that drive on the left without having ever been under British control.

I don't think i'll ever get tired of Thai food. It's so delicous, and there is such variety. However, some of my teammates have eaten fried grasshoppers and crickets and maggots and squid and other creepy crawly or equally disgusting things, and i declined partaking in these. I do think it's important to be open to trying extra-cultural foods, but i would not seek them out and buy them. I would only eat them if i had to--like if a host had specially prepared them for me, and would be absolutetly offended if i did not accept his hospitality.

I love being in a different culture, but i also feel sorry for the Thai people that my team has been around for the first few days here. I'm sure we've made some atrocious mistakes. There have been several times that i've forgotten to "wai" back (the hands-together bow greeting, similar to our handshake), or i've touched someone's head (the highest, most respected part of the body--not to be touched unless given permission), or i've been too respectful to people in positions of service. We will learn, we will learn.