Writing out of freedom and not bondage is kind of like perfection.
Springtime rains do not make me miserable. Water falls from the sky in little drops, lots, all over, and it touches everything. There is nothing it does not find. Sometimes you can trick the rain by making it fall on something else before it gets to you, and you stay dry. But it takes so much effort to be completely not wet when it rains. It takes a lot of staying and covering. There is something beautiful about being the same person whether the rain has full access to you or not.
The ice storm ravaged us. It took limb from tree and dashed it to the ground. It thrashed the weak and bent the strong. It was grievous and tragic. Little did it know that life and love are stronger than death--the rain falls on everything, and there is so much green. Green is everywhere; new hope springs from the scars of the ruined.
It seems that being a person is a full-time job until others depend on you full-time. Then you work overflowing-time, and there is no way to do it unless lives are the same, twine together, love together, abide in the same Vine. There is no choosing your family, past nor future, but there is choosing to bend and live with them. There is no choosing whom, but there is choosing how. It takes so much dying to self, so much cutting off of those directions of self-will that try to sprout and grow--and it would be admirable and glittery to allow them and follow them, but so, so lonely. (Not killing those dreams of your heart that are true and right and divine, but trusting that they will come about in due time.) That is why love is so earthy and organic and gardeny. It hurts so good.
Sometimes the birds get at the strawberries even though you made chicken-wire covers for your pots. i know from experience. There is a lot that i write that i don't know from experience, i just look and see, and then think i have known. i hope there is some truth in it somewhere--how else am i to live? Living takes faith, i suppose. And writing does.
Where are you, voice?
Showing posts with label yes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label yes. Show all posts
14 May 2009
15 February 2009
not alone, remember
When i first got back from Thailand one year ago, i listened to this CD like breathing air, like i had just come within seconds of drowning, and all i could do was breathe and know that i wasn't dead. There is healing in the music because there is God's message in the music.
Today at church was about Joshua: be strong and very courageous, and I will never leave you.
Please believe me when i talk about circles. These things all orbit together: being the same as children--having the deep need for being held, following rebellious streaks, realizing the meanings of stuff; never being alone because of the sorrow and love of our Father--He is with us, he knows, he is watching out the kitchen window; learning lessons over and over--knowing that we have to love our neighbor but struggling so hard; having to die and say Yes to life--giving up our 'rights' to toys, space, food, transportation; seasons and change and newness--moving to a new house, going to a new school, getting a new job; old habits dying hard. You know?
So often i experience the very same emotions that i did when i was a child--i remember--because i'm the same person, except bigger. And i'm learning the same lessons, except connected in different ways.
Love is so glad, but so deep and painful. I think that's what beauty is too.
Today at church was about Joshua: be strong and very courageous, and I will never leave you.
Please believe me when i talk about circles. These things all orbit together: being the same as children--having the deep need for being held, following rebellious streaks, realizing the meanings of stuff; never being alone because of the sorrow and love of our Father--He is with us, he knows, he is watching out the kitchen window; learning lessons over and over--knowing that we have to love our neighbor but struggling so hard; having to die and say Yes to life--giving up our 'rights' to toys, space, food, transportation; seasons and change and newness--moving to a new house, going to a new school, getting a new job; old habits dying hard. You know?
So often i experience the very same emotions that i did when i was a child--i remember--because i'm the same person, except bigger. And i'm learning the same lessons, except connected in different ways.
Love is so glad, but so deep and painful. I think that's what beauty is too.
20 January 2009
cold without Christmas
i know i should be slapped for saying this, but there's something about being at the end of our ropes that is so hopeful. Once we lose our death-grip on the last fibers, and slip off the end into oblivion, we're Free: Someone has been there the whole time, patient, waiting to envelop us in the sweet Mama-sling of rest and humility and peace and drool.
On Friday we had a Christmas-cookie-and-Elf-movie party because it's been too cold to not be Christmastime, but i think the discomfort goes deeper than that. Remember in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, it was always winter and never Christmas when the evil witch was queen? There's something sinister about it, like death. Ropes get really short. Pressure, disease, crisis, hopelessness--unless we become reconciled to the idea of falling for miles and being smashed into smithereens like glass, because that idea might be the same as trust.
The moments that His strength flows make it easy. i'm not denying that there are also the dark moments of turning off the light and waking up in the cold morning and being late and forgetting something and letting someone down, and there's the rope mocking in your face. i don't know how to live in joy there. but i know that falling isn't miles into a canyon of sharp boulders, it is inches into His plush embrace.
The good news is that Spring comes like clockwork, like the Earth turning, like the axis staying 23.44 degrees while we whiz off to another familiar side of our orbit!
and i kazoo'd the national anthem last week but forgot today.
10:32 pm EDIT: i actually did have the opportunity to musically serve my country today: Lindi just got an earful of kazoo over the phone.
On Friday we had a Christmas-cookie-and-Elf-movie party because it's been too cold to not be Christmastime, but i think the discomfort goes deeper than that. Remember in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, it was always winter and never Christmas when the evil witch was queen? There's something sinister about it, like death. Ropes get really short. Pressure, disease, crisis, hopelessness--unless we become reconciled to the idea of falling for miles and being smashed into smithereens like glass, because that idea might be the same as trust.
The moments that His strength flows make it easy. i'm not denying that there are also the dark moments of turning off the light and waking up in the cold morning and being late and forgetting something and letting someone down, and there's the rope mocking in your face. i don't know how to live in joy there. but i know that falling isn't miles into a canyon of sharp boulders, it is inches into His plush embrace.
The good news is that Spring comes like clockwork, like the Earth turning, like the axis staying 23.44 degrees while we whiz off to another familiar side of our orbit!
and i kazoo'd the national anthem last week but forgot today.
10:32 pm EDIT: i actually did have the opportunity to musically serve my country today: Lindi just got an earful of kazoo over the phone.
12 August 2008
movement
There's something happening, i think, because i see it everywhere. God is speaking to people about really, really living as His bride.. really being Christlike. It's here in Europe and here in Africa and all over and so many more places... and i'm excited to see what comes out, mostly because what i see resonates with my soul.
Changing the world has nothing to do with how much media happens about you or how many people know your name or even know about something you did without your name. It is an "ancillary benefit to the life we live." No matter what, you, one-sixbillionth of the world's population, have as much impact as when you would have been one-billionth or one-thousandth. And it's because you're not here for you, you're here for God, because He's making a fractal-tapestry with all of the wonderful and unique and carefully, detailfully created and beautiful lives that happen and come and go and choose. You choose. But God is absolutely omniscient. And He has a beautiful end for everything. Just because my mind can't go around that doesn't mean that it's okay for me to think that what i say and do doesn't have an impact. I don't have to understand, i just have to obey and follow. I am nothing without Him.
I ate ice cream today because i felt sad. But i knew that it was an emotion and ill-founded, because of an unfilled idyllic expectation. I ate ice cream anyway. It was yummy (but i should have gotten hot fudge instead of strawberry). But i said "hello" and "thank you" to the guy in the drive-thru, and i could tell in his eyes that he wanted to change the world but there were layers of stuff on top of him that he thought were preventing him. Just by existing, though, he is doing it.
There is such freedom to have if only we would submit. There is such joy to have if only we would let go. I read this today: "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matt. 16:25. Let's live and love like Christ, okay? like, really, really, really, let's.
Changing the world has nothing to do with how much media happens about you or how many people know your name or even know about something you did without your name. It is an "ancillary benefit to the life we live." No matter what, you, one-sixbillionth of the world's population, have as much impact as when you would have been one-billionth or one-thousandth. And it's because you're not here for you, you're here for God, because He's making a fractal-tapestry with all of the wonderful and unique and carefully, detailfully created and beautiful lives that happen and come and go and choose. You choose. But God is absolutely omniscient. And He has a beautiful end for everything. Just because my mind can't go around that doesn't mean that it's okay for me to think that what i say and do doesn't have an impact. I don't have to understand, i just have to obey and follow. I am nothing without Him.
I ate ice cream today because i felt sad. But i knew that it was an emotion and ill-founded, because of an unfilled idyllic expectation. I ate ice cream anyway. It was yummy (but i should have gotten hot fudge instead of strawberry). But i said "hello" and "thank you" to the guy in the drive-thru, and i could tell in his eyes that he wanted to change the world but there were layers of stuff on top of him that he thought were preventing him. Just by existing, though, he is doing it.
There is such freedom to have if only we would submit. There is such joy to have if only we would let go. I read this today: "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matt. 16:25. Let's live and love like Christ, okay? like, really, really, really, let's.
24 July 2008
pain
I know that hardly anything is written, anywhere, anytime, without some mention or hint of pain. It is the Great Similitude between all humankind. And i have physical pain in my gums from the newfangled torture method commonly known as orthodontics (today they clamped some more ironworks across the front and then rubber-banded my jaws together so that i can only hum and drink through a straw for 21 hours a day--only 7 more weeks, praise the LORD). But that pain is not my subject; it is just what reminded me that i have a nebulous happening in my brain meaning "blog about this." That came into being while i was in France, reading C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain (which i highly recommend).
My very dear friend just came home from China, and i have a feeling we're going to cry together more than we laugh together, at least for a little while. She is one of those precious souls that is motivated by pain for others a good portion of the time, and another good part by compassion. (How does one obey "Bear one another's burdens" without taking them on like the weight of the world?)
The book is a hard read, intellectually at times, but also because Lewis tells the truth. He's honest. And it doesn't sound pretty to say that "The creature's illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the creature's sake, be shattered; and by trouble or fear of trouble on earth... God shatters it 'unmindful of His glory's diminution'... And this illusion of self-sufficiency may be at its strongest in some very honest, kindly, and temperate people, and on such people, therefore, misfortune must fall." This only scratches the surface of his point, but it is so true. There is pain in the fallen world because of the bare fact that we were not created to be independent, but to wholly live through surrender to the Creator in His perfection; honest, humble, Like Christ. His suffering was as great as his compassion--which was all-consuming. In worldly terms, it's grossly unjust. But so was the Cross. And so it goes.
I used to never cry--or only very rarely. Maybe i was too proud or hard or self-sufficient. Then i went away for five months, in the middle of which this blog was born. Somewhere during that time, something happened, and now i cry lots more easily, for which i'm so grateful. It's such a wonderful, honestly human thing: it says, "i'm overwhelmed and totally dependent."
So, as my mouth won't be open very much, i hope my ears and heart and tears will be all the more.
My very dear friend just came home from China, and i have a feeling we're going to cry together more than we laugh together, at least for a little while. She is one of those precious souls that is motivated by pain for others a good portion of the time, and another good part by compassion. (How does one obey "Bear one another's burdens" without taking them on like the weight of the world?)
The book is a hard read, intellectually at times, but also because Lewis tells the truth. He's honest. And it doesn't sound pretty to say that "The creature's illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the creature's sake, be shattered; and by trouble or fear of trouble on earth... God shatters it 'unmindful of His glory's diminution'... And this illusion of self-sufficiency may be at its strongest in some very honest, kindly, and temperate people, and on such people, therefore, misfortune must fall." This only scratches the surface of his point, but it is so true. There is pain in the fallen world because of the bare fact that we were not created to be independent, but to wholly live through surrender to the Creator in His perfection; honest, humble, Like Christ. His suffering was as great as his compassion--which was all-consuming. In worldly terms, it's grossly unjust. But so was the Cross. And so it goes.
I used to never cry--or only very rarely. Maybe i was too proud or hard or self-sufficient. Then i went away for five months, in the middle of which this blog was born. Somewhere during that time, something happened, and now i cry lots more easily, for which i'm so grateful. It's such a wonderful, honestly human thing: it says, "i'm overwhelmed and totally dependent."
So, as my mouth won't be open very much, i hope my ears and heart and tears will be all the more.
06 March 2008
heart-melters
My heart feels. It's just feely right now; i don't know how to describe it. It's kind of heavy, and a funny-hurt (like a bruise, you know? or ants in your feet) is sitting there. It kind of swirls up with these things:
1. "Mom and Dad" by Jason Upton. It's a song about growing up. Here are the lyrics:
Mom and dad take a look at me
On my bike riding both hands free
And I'm all right
It's a good night
I'm bigger now that I've ever been
Training wheels, got no need for them
Mom, I'm growing
Dad, I got to get going
We are not the same
Every day, we are changing
Another season fades
But that's o.k.
We are changing anyway
Mom and dad look who's holding me
Someone I get to love and
Dream with on cold nights
And through the hard times
We're sailing out to the great unknown
Our hearts are set on that perfect home
Mom, we won't fight
Dad, the wind's right
Mom and dad the kids sure grow up fast
The more they grow up the more I ask
What am I doing?
I hope it doesn't ruin them
Your ways are worth more than costly gems
I'm digging up my past to remember them
Mom, I love you
Dad, there's nobody like you
Oh man. There's so much about family, and love, and perpetual child-likeness here.. what beauty there is in child-likeness! That swirls my heart so much!
2. The other day i read this about my incredible Savior (Mattew 8:1-2):
When he came down from the mountain, great crowds followed him. And behold, a leper came to him and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, if you will, you can make me clean." And Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, "I will; be clean." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.
Do you see it? Do you see the rush of "of COURSE," the compassion, the love? How tender and beautiful! I had to read it over and over, and remember not to cry.
3. Today in the store i was checking out (in the clerk sense of the word) a man.. and his name was so Korean that i had to ask him. It turned out that he was the pastor of the Korean church in our community! I wanted to talk with him more, and ask him lots of questions, but i also wanted to respect cultural boundaries, and situational boundaries, i suppose. The store was pretty busy. But that encounter made my day. There were also these beautiful women, one from India and one from Columbia, who were preparing for a ski trip with their families, and it was such a joy to help them.
4. I'm meeting with a mom for Bible study whose heart is so beautiful..
I don't know why i'm crying right now. It's all these things, i suppose, and the snow outside, and being warm inside, and having my parents here, and knowing that i'm loved (Mom just came in and brought me tissues and held me, because she heard me crying). Yes. I think that's it. Love. I think my heart is growing.
1. "Mom and Dad" by Jason Upton. It's a song about growing up. Here are the lyrics:
Mom and dad take a look at me
On my bike riding both hands free
And I'm all right
It's a good night
I'm bigger now that I've ever been
Training wheels, got no need for them
Mom, I'm growing
Dad, I got to get going
We are not the same
Every day, we are changing
Another season fades
But that's o.k.
We are changing anyway
Mom and dad look who's holding me
Someone I get to love and
Dream with on cold nights
And through the hard times
We're sailing out to the great unknown
Our hearts are set on that perfect home
Mom, we won't fight
Dad, the wind's right
Mom and dad the kids sure grow up fast
The more they grow up the more I ask
What am I doing?
I hope it doesn't ruin them
Your ways are worth more than costly gems
I'm digging up my past to remember them
Mom, I love you
Dad, there's nobody like you
Oh man. There's so much about family, and love, and perpetual child-likeness here.. what beauty there is in child-likeness! That swirls my heart so much!
2. The other day i read this about my incredible Savior (Mattew 8:1-2):
When he came down from the mountain, great crowds followed him. And behold, a leper came to him and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, if you will, you can make me clean." And Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, "I will; be clean." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.
Do you see it? Do you see the rush of "of COURSE," the compassion, the love? How tender and beautiful! I had to read it over and over, and remember not to cry.
3. Today in the store i was checking out (in the clerk sense of the word) a man.. and his name was so Korean that i had to ask him. It turned out that he was the pastor of the Korean church in our community! I wanted to talk with him more, and ask him lots of questions, but i also wanted to respect cultural boundaries, and situational boundaries, i suppose. The store was pretty busy. But that encounter made my day. There were also these beautiful women, one from India and one from Columbia, who were preparing for a ski trip with their families, and it was such a joy to help them.
4. I'm meeting with a mom for Bible study whose heart is so beautiful..
I don't know why i'm crying right now. It's all these things, i suppose, and the snow outside, and being warm inside, and having my parents here, and knowing that i'm loved (Mom just came in and brought me tissues and held me, because she heard me crying). Yes. I think that's it. Love. I think my heart is growing.
15 January 2008
laughter and tears, worry and romance
As i signed in to my email this morning, there were several messages in reply to my most recent update (i love those!). The first was from Robin Bickel, and it was so full of his personality and zeal for the Lord that it made me laugh with joy. Thank you, sincerely, so much. There were several other equally encouraging emails from dear friends. It is truly a precious thing to hear from loved ones, especially when overseas. And then, another email was from my beloved father, bearing the sad news that my grandfather in France passed away before my mother could get there. We know no details. I'm sure if anyone had been watching me, they would have found it strange that i was crying so soon after laughing.
I haven't been feeling well for the last few days, which is good timing because they haven't been ministry days, just travel and rest. I hope, though, that doesn't affect ministry in Chiang Rai with the HIV/AIDS children, because i know their immune systems are weak or gone. How utterly horrible it would be to cause an early death. I'm pretty sure i'm not contagious at all--just some stomach discomfort, and i've been careful to wash my hands a lot and etc. But still..
Last night i had a lot of time to journal and read. I wanted to read a love story in the Bible, but not the Song of Solomon. So i tried to find romantic stories among the adventures of King David, but the most exciting romance was between him and God. His first wife, who loved him at first, turned against him when he was dancing before the Lord (which was because he truly realized how holy and worthy the Lord is: it was right after Uzzah died when he touched the ark of the covenant to keep it from falling when the oxen stumbled--evidence of the Lord's wrath; then, the ark was moved to Obed-edom's house for three months, and his household was exceedingly blessed while it was there--evidence of the Lord's love and grace) and given to another man. Then, the story of Abigail could have been really romantic, but then David took another wife from Jezreel right afterwards. Lame. They both got captured by the Philistines (or was it the Amalekites?), but it doesn't say anything about David's great relief when he went and rescued them. Imagine how terrible it would be to be kidnapped by the enemy with your husband's other wife. Ugh. So i got tired of David and decided to read Hosea. Let me just say right now that God is way more romantic than any human ever was. I really didn't realize that that was why i was enjoying Hosea so much more until afterwards, and then i chastized myself for my silliness. Of course God is more romantic than man, because He is love. The book of Hosea is so full of emotion--it's the best love story ever, because it is the utmost redemption, the utmost righteousness, the utmost True Love. I could hear God's deep sadness and anger, and then His overwhelming joy, just from reading the words. How right it is to be His, and for Him to be ours. That is what His heart desires all along.
I haven't been feeling well for the last few days, which is good timing because they haven't been ministry days, just travel and rest. I hope, though, that doesn't affect ministry in Chiang Rai with the HIV/AIDS children, because i know their immune systems are weak or gone. How utterly horrible it would be to cause an early death. I'm pretty sure i'm not contagious at all--just some stomach discomfort, and i've been careful to wash my hands a lot and etc. But still..
Last night i had a lot of time to journal and read. I wanted to read a love story in the Bible, but not the Song of Solomon. So i tried to find romantic stories among the adventures of King David, but the most exciting romance was between him and God. His first wife, who loved him at first, turned against him when he was dancing before the Lord (which was because he truly realized how holy and worthy the Lord is: it was right after Uzzah died when he touched the ark of the covenant to keep it from falling when the oxen stumbled--evidence of the Lord's wrath; then, the ark was moved to Obed-edom's house for three months, and his household was exceedingly blessed while it was there--evidence of the Lord's love and grace) and given to another man. Then, the story of Abigail could have been really romantic, but then David took another wife from Jezreel right afterwards. Lame. They both got captured by the Philistines (or was it the Amalekites?), but it doesn't say anything about David's great relief when he went and rescued them. Imagine how terrible it would be to be kidnapped by the enemy with your husband's other wife. Ugh. So i got tired of David and decided to read Hosea. Let me just say right now that God is way more romantic than any human ever was. I really didn't realize that that was why i was enjoying Hosea so much more until afterwards, and then i chastized myself for my silliness. Of course God is more romantic than man, because He is love. The book of Hosea is so full of emotion--it's the best love story ever, because it is the utmost redemption, the utmost righteousness, the utmost True Love. I could hear God's deep sadness and anger, and then His overwhelming joy, just from reading the words. How right it is to be His, and for Him to be ours. That is what His heart desires all along.
15 December 2007
yes?
It's a simple word.
It's the first word that came to mind when i was trying to think of a title for this blog.
But upon further speculation, it has more significance than a random space-filler.
"Yes" is the affirmative answer to a question. It is the opposite of "no." It also represents a willingness that i would like to embody. I'm leaving in less than 30 hours for Thailand, an adventure that will leave me lots of opportunity to obey or to rebel. It is my desire to be recklessly abandoned in my pursuit of God, and that requires a "yes" to all that He would ask of me, even the uncomfortable.
There is another "yes" that is required for me before i can live out the former one. The Scriptures say that all our promises in Christ are "Yes" and "Amen," meaning we have full assurance of them. There is not much we can be fully assured of in this world, but in Christ, there is: everything He said. And this releases me to say, "Yes!" back to Him, not only with my mind, but with my life.
It's the first word that came to mind when i was trying to think of a title for this blog.
But upon further speculation, it has more significance than a random space-filler.
"Yes" is the affirmative answer to a question. It is the opposite of "no." It also represents a willingness that i would like to embody. I'm leaving in less than 30 hours for Thailand, an adventure that will leave me lots of opportunity to obey or to rebel. It is my desire to be recklessly abandoned in my pursuit of God, and that requires a "yes" to all that He would ask of me, even the uncomfortable.
There is another "yes" that is required for me before i can live out the former one. The Scriptures say that all our promises in Christ are "Yes" and "Amen," meaning we have full assurance of them. There is not much we can be fully assured of in this world, but in Christ, there is: everything He said. And this releases me to say, "Yes!" back to Him, not only with my mind, but with my life.
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