Writing out of freedom and not bondage is kind of like perfection.
Springtime rains do not make me miserable. Water falls from the sky in little drops, lots, all over, and it touches everything. There is nothing it does not find. Sometimes you can trick the rain by making it fall on something else before it gets to you, and you stay dry. But it takes so much effort to be completely not wet when it rains. It takes a lot of staying and covering. There is something beautiful about being the same person whether the rain has full access to you or not.
The ice storm ravaged us. It took limb from tree and dashed it to the ground. It thrashed the weak and bent the strong. It was grievous and tragic. Little did it know that life and love are stronger than death--the rain falls on everything, and there is so much green. Green is everywhere; new hope springs from the scars of the ruined.
It seems that being a person is a full-time job until others depend on you full-time. Then you work overflowing-time, and there is no way to do it unless lives are the same, twine together, love together, abide in the same Vine. There is no choosing your family, past nor future, but there is choosing to bend and live with them. There is no choosing whom, but there is choosing how. It takes so much dying to self, so much cutting off of those directions of self-will that try to sprout and grow--and it would be admirable and glittery to allow them and follow them, but so, so lonely. (Not killing those dreams of your heart that are true and right and divine, but trusting that they will come about in due time.) That is why love is so earthy and organic and gardeny. It hurts so good.
Sometimes the birds get at the strawberries even though you made chicken-wire covers for your pots. i know from experience. There is a lot that i write that i don't know from experience, i just look and see, and then think i have known. i hope there is some truth in it somewhere--how else am i to live? Living takes faith, i suppose. And writing does.
Where are you, voice?
Showing posts with label heart matters. Show all posts
Showing posts with label heart matters. Show all posts
14 May 2009
08 May 2009
jolene
Some days i can't do anything right except stand in the rain and welcome the wet and welcome the wet. i'm sorry when it stops.
i still don't know what love means.
26 April 2009
no not one
There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus. It's wonderful to know that solitude doesn't have to be lonely. How often i live there in spite of this, believing the lie that one more thing will allow me to truly rejoice--companion, possession, situation, attitude, accomplishment, adventure--when, truly, these things will be added when i'm not seeking them, but the Kingdom. I feel so dense that this comes alive to me just now, when i've been reciting Matthew 6:33 and expounding upon this principle for many years. But isn't that the point of life: to go on learning and toiling and discovering? And that keeps us humble and mutually teachable if we're willing. There is no human being alive who does not have more to learn--if only we would look at each face we encounter through that lens!
Speaking of learning, i have to have an opinion about who is to blame for the Holocaust within the next two hours (one reason why i'm writing here instead of the Word document that's right behind). I don't want to talk about it, i want to weep about it! I want to weep and weep. I'm not good at weeping. My heart gets detatched sometimes--many times that i wish it was pained enough for tears to flow. Most of my sadness is selfish and vain.
But for now, the beginning of the last week of the last semester of Junior year. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.
Speaking of learning, i have to have an opinion about who is to blame for the Holocaust within the next two hours (one reason why i'm writing here instead of the Word document that's right behind). I don't want to talk about it, i want to weep about it! I want to weep and weep. I'm not good at weeping. My heart gets detatched sometimes--many times that i wish it was pained enough for tears to flow. Most of my sadness is selfish and vain.
But for now, the beginning of the last week of the last semester of Junior year. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.
30 March 2009
human things: independence and tragedy
Rigoberta Menchu won the 1992 Nobel Peace Prize because she lived with her eyes open and then did something about it.
Sometimes, when we least expect it, we are given the freedom we've been waiting for.
i didn't realize how important it was to hear affirming words from people in authority over me. The turning point to my week--and probably to my semester--was my professor's "you are a good student" and "you're motivated," because i didn't think i was. Not truly in my bones i didn't. But now i know, and everything that was a struggle before--just stuff like studying and getting homework done--is so much easier now.
The other day i put my three herb-sprouted pots outside before the overnight rain. When i looked out the window after business of a day, the realization hit--there were only two in that cardboard on that rail. i ran down the deck stairs and to the ruins of basil-dirt.. the pot was intact, but i had no idea where the baby seeds were. i didn't hold back tears because i wasn't crying but i felt like i should. It was one of those moments where the depravity of the world, of accidental mishap that has life-quenching consequences, created a beautiful sorrow in me like tragedy in real life. I know it was just a few seeds, but doesn't everything feel that way that isn't how it Should be?
Rainy days make me a little bit tragic and a lot pensive. Sunny days make me joyful with a hint of longing. It seems that most people i talk to are affected by the weather in some pattern like that.
Days come and go and keep coming and going. There's an unknown number of them.
Adding to the list:
-the need to be affirmed
-tragedy
-mood changes based on weather
-finity of life
Sometimes, when we least expect it, we are given the freedom we've been waiting for.
i didn't realize how important it was to hear affirming words from people in authority over me. The turning point to my week--and probably to my semester--was my professor's "you are a good student" and "you're motivated," because i didn't think i was. Not truly in my bones i didn't. But now i know, and everything that was a struggle before--just stuff like studying and getting homework done--is so much easier now.
The other day i put my three herb-sprouted pots outside before the overnight rain. When i looked out the window after business of a day, the realization hit--there were only two in that cardboard on that rail. i ran down the deck stairs and to the ruins of basil-dirt.. the pot was intact, but i had no idea where the baby seeds were. i didn't hold back tears because i wasn't crying but i felt like i should. It was one of those moments where the depravity of the world, of accidental mishap that has life-quenching consequences, created a beautiful sorrow in me like tragedy in real life. I know it was just a few seeds, but doesn't everything feel that way that isn't how it Should be?
Rainy days make me a little bit tragic and a lot pensive. Sunny days make me joyful with a hint of longing. It seems that most people i talk to are affected by the weather in some pattern like that.
Days come and go and keep coming and going. There's an unknown number of them.
Adding to the list:
-the need to be affirmed
-tragedy
-mood changes based on weather
-finity of life
15 February 2009
not alone, remember
When i first got back from Thailand one year ago, i listened to this CD like breathing air, like i had just come within seconds of drowning, and all i could do was breathe and know that i wasn't dead. There is healing in the music because there is God's message in the music.
Today at church was about Joshua: be strong and very courageous, and I will never leave you.
Please believe me when i talk about circles. These things all orbit together: being the same as children--having the deep need for being held, following rebellious streaks, realizing the meanings of stuff; never being alone because of the sorrow and love of our Father--He is with us, he knows, he is watching out the kitchen window; learning lessons over and over--knowing that we have to love our neighbor but struggling so hard; having to die and say Yes to life--giving up our 'rights' to toys, space, food, transportation; seasons and change and newness--moving to a new house, going to a new school, getting a new job; old habits dying hard. You know?
So often i experience the very same emotions that i did when i was a child--i remember--because i'm the same person, except bigger. And i'm learning the same lessons, except connected in different ways.
Love is so glad, but so deep and painful. I think that's what beauty is too.
Today at church was about Joshua: be strong and very courageous, and I will never leave you.
Please believe me when i talk about circles. These things all orbit together: being the same as children--having the deep need for being held, following rebellious streaks, realizing the meanings of stuff; never being alone because of the sorrow and love of our Father--He is with us, he knows, he is watching out the kitchen window; learning lessons over and over--knowing that we have to love our neighbor but struggling so hard; having to die and say Yes to life--giving up our 'rights' to toys, space, food, transportation; seasons and change and newness--moving to a new house, going to a new school, getting a new job; old habits dying hard. You know?
So often i experience the very same emotions that i did when i was a child--i remember--because i'm the same person, except bigger. And i'm learning the same lessons, except connected in different ways.
Love is so glad, but so deep and painful. I think that's what beauty is too.
29 August 2008
circles
Today i was struck by the wonder of the gift of literacy. Reading and writing really are not necessary to life and breath; but they enrich them to the nth degree. Besides all the uses for written communication, it is just downright pleasurable to look at marks on a page (or screen nowadays) and know what they mean. Thanks, God. (Maybe i should be thinking about Gilgamesh in World Lit, but it's more fun for me to think about words.)
I think that a lot of life happens in circles, and this is reflected by some different things. In certain kinds of Psalms, the organization is not centrally based on line or meter or rhyme, but on meaning. The writer takes you down a path, but at the end you find you're back at the beginning. Here's an example. And in Dante, everything is or is related to a circle. Scientifically, matter organizes itself into spheres and circles. Seasons cycle. And when i look at my life and its seasons, the various and sundry states that my heart has found itself, and the lessons that i've had to learn "the hard way," it is very evident that i am on a road that goes in circles. I get older every time, but i have to learn similar lessons ridiculously often. Daily routines are circles. What this means, i don't know, but i think it has something to do with we're all here, circling. There is significance to being and doing.
Peace!
I think that a lot of life happens in circles, and this is reflected by some different things. In certain kinds of Psalms, the organization is not centrally based on line or meter or rhyme, but on meaning. The writer takes you down a path, but at the end you find you're back at the beginning. Here's an example. And in Dante, everything is or is related to a circle. Scientifically, matter organizes itself into spheres and circles. Seasons cycle. And when i look at my life and its seasons, the various and sundry states that my heart has found itself, and the lessons that i've had to learn "the hard way," it is very evident that i am on a road that goes in circles. I get older every time, but i have to learn similar lessons ridiculously often. Daily routines are circles. What this means, i don't know, but i think it has something to do with we're all here, circling. There is significance to being and doing.
Peace!
06 August 2008
a potted watch never boils
I don't like it when a post starts forming in my head and then i get distracted and it blows to smithereens and i don't even hear the explosion. (I would like to take this moment to point out that Amber Haines taught me the power of a sustained metaphor. Thank you, Amber.)
This week at Camp Barnabas made me think and feel a lot. And i shouldn't do the promise-i'll-write-later thing (i'm trying, along with using specific vocabulary for EVERYTHING, to also never procrastinate ANYTHING--both of which sting the same lazy area of the self) but i will.
Some topics that are rumbling in the popcorn machine of my brain:
-cussin' (a very, very belated response to this)
-pain (there's so much more on that)
-imaginary friends
Good night.
This week at Camp Barnabas made me think and feel a lot. And i shouldn't do the promise-i'll-write-later thing (i'm trying, along with using specific vocabulary for EVERYTHING, to also never procrastinate ANYTHING--both of which sting the same lazy area of the self) but i will.
Some topics that are rumbling in the popcorn machine of my brain:
-cussin' (a very, very belated response to this)
-pain (there's so much more on that)
-imaginary friends
Good night.
24 July 2008
pain
I know that hardly anything is written, anywhere, anytime, without some mention or hint of pain. It is the Great Similitude between all humankind. And i have physical pain in my gums from the newfangled torture method commonly known as orthodontics (today they clamped some more ironworks across the front and then rubber-banded my jaws together so that i can only hum and drink through a straw for 21 hours a day--only 7 more weeks, praise the LORD). But that pain is not my subject; it is just what reminded me that i have a nebulous happening in my brain meaning "blog about this." That came into being while i was in France, reading C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain (which i highly recommend).
My very dear friend just came home from China, and i have a feeling we're going to cry together more than we laugh together, at least for a little while. She is one of those precious souls that is motivated by pain for others a good portion of the time, and another good part by compassion. (How does one obey "Bear one another's burdens" without taking them on like the weight of the world?)
The book is a hard read, intellectually at times, but also because Lewis tells the truth. He's honest. And it doesn't sound pretty to say that "The creature's illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the creature's sake, be shattered; and by trouble or fear of trouble on earth... God shatters it 'unmindful of His glory's diminution'... And this illusion of self-sufficiency may be at its strongest in some very honest, kindly, and temperate people, and on such people, therefore, misfortune must fall." This only scratches the surface of his point, but it is so true. There is pain in the fallen world because of the bare fact that we were not created to be independent, but to wholly live through surrender to the Creator in His perfection; honest, humble, Like Christ. His suffering was as great as his compassion--which was all-consuming. In worldly terms, it's grossly unjust. But so was the Cross. And so it goes.
I used to never cry--or only very rarely. Maybe i was too proud or hard or self-sufficient. Then i went away for five months, in the middle of which this blog was born. Somewhere during that time, something happened, and now i cry lots more easily, for which i'm so grateful. It's such a wonderful, honestly human thing: it says, "i'm overwhelmed and totally dependent."
So, as my mouth won't be open very much, i hope my ears and heart and tears will be all the more.
My very dear friend just came home from China, and i have a feeling we're going to cry together more than we laugh together, at least for a little while. She is one of those precious souls that is motivated by pain for others a good portion of the time, and another good part by compassion. (How does one obey "Bear one another's burdens" without taking them on like the weight of the world?)
The book is a hard read, intellectually at times, but also because Lewis tells the truth. He's honest. And it doesn't sound pretty to say that "The creature's illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the creature's sake, be shattered; and by trouble or fear of trouble on earth... God shatters it 'unmindful of His glory's diminution'... And this illusion of self-sufficiency may be at its strongest in some very honest, kindly, and temperate people, and on such people, therefore, misfortune must fall." This only scratches the surface of his point, but it is so true. There is pain in the fallen world because of the bare fact that we were not created to be independent, but to wholly live through surrender to the Creator in His perfection; honest, humble, Like Christ. His suffering was as great as his compassion--which was all-consuming. In worldly terms, it's grossly unjust. But so was the Cross. And so it goes.
I used to never cry--or only very rarely. Maybe i was too proud or hard or self-sufficient. Then i went away for five months, in the middle of which this blog was born. Somewhere during that time, something happened, and now i cry lots more easily, for which i'm so grateful. It's such a wonderful, honestly human thing: it says, "i'm overwhelmed and totally dependent."
So, as my mouth won't be open very much, i hope my ears and heart and tears will be all the more.
31 May 2008
a man of constant sorrow
You know when a blog entry is a big blob in your brain and you don't know what it looks like until it comes out--and you need to write it or it weighs heavier and heavier? Well, this one isn't like that. I just started with a title that came from the song lyric in my head at this moment. And here i go with my thoughts.
I'm thinking about all my friends who are very far away, about to be very far away, or just returned from being very far away. It's a large number. I think i'm really glad about that, because that means that i have friends who know (or are discovering, or have discovered) the value of being someplace utterly and completely different from home, and of getting to know the people and ways of that someplace. Sometimes it's not fun when a lot of them are gone simultaneously, though.
I'm also thinking about change, and how it is sort of like rain: when it's here, there is no end to complaint, but when it is absent it is longed for. Many times it is welcome and then becomes uncomfortable, or it just comes at inconvenient times and then is praised in hindsight. I think this is where we're supposed to learn to praise the Lord in every situation, whether it feels good at the moment or not.
Since i just finished reading The Idiot by F. Dostoyevsky (an excellent book and phenomenal author) i am also thinking about compassion. But that takes a lot more wrestly sort of thoughts that i may write about later, but maybe not.
And here is where i will leave you. Remember that Christ had constant sorrow, and constant compassion. And that's good.
I'm thinking about all my friends who are very far away, about to be very far away, or just returned from being very far away. It's a large number. I think i'm really glad about that, because that means that i have friends who know (or are discovering, or have discovered) the value of being someplace utterly and completely different from home, and of getting to know the people and ways of that someplace. Sometimes it's not fun when a lot of them are gone simultaneously, though.
I'm also thinking about change, and how it is sort of like rain: when it's here, there is no end to complaint, but when it is absent it is longed for. Many times it is welcome and then becomes uncomfortable, or it just comes at inconvenient times and then is praised in hindsight. I think this is where we're supposed to learn to praise the Lord in every situation, whether it feels good at the moment or not.
Since i just finished reading The Idiot by F. Dostoyevsky (an excellent book and phenomenal author) i am also thinking about compassion. But that takes a lot more wrestly sort of thoughts that i may write about later, but maybe not.
And here is where i will leave you. Remember that Christ had constant sorrow, and constant compassion. And that's good.
23 May 2008
Sweet Sassy Molassy
There's something cultural about taking things literally. "Sure thing, chicken wing," doesn't mean you are a piece of fowl, a lotta bone and not a lotta flesh. It means "indubitably." And "You like Cinderella? Lost your slipper?" doesn't mean you have one shoe on and the other was left in haste on the palace steps for your true love to find. It means "honey child, you 'bout to fall asleep." And "train for a triathlon" doesn't mean "start an intense workout regime and spend lots of dollars on things." I'm learning what it really means. And it has cost me several wasted days of my life. "Wasting" means spending in selfish thought and action, whether pity party or prideful presumption; being disconnected from the Creator; believing what physical eyes see instead of what is really there. Days spent in distraction are wasted to me.
On Monday the thought came. "I should train for a triathlon." I took it so literally that i bought running shoes and got a summer gym membership (the HPER) and was looking into getting a road bike. I was going for it. On Wednesday night my dad talked to me about being a wise steward and remaining focused on my purpose in life. It felt like a knife in the heart. I moped around for a while, cried, and wasn't very much fun to be with (sorry, girls). Today i realized that i have been given three goals to work towards this summer, and they are physical, mental, and spiritual--sort of like a triathlon has three disciplines. I want to become a better rock climber so that i can have more fun out in Creation, and make more hippie friends. I want to memorize "the Entertainer" by Scott Joplin so that when people find out i play the piano, i actually have something to play, and they can laugh (it's impossible to hear "the Entertainer" played live and not laugh). I want to become faithful and effective in intercessory prayer so that the nations are shaken. How did i think i would have time for anything else? The good thing is that i needed running shoes because i didn't have ANY athletic shoes. And the HPER has rock walls. And the bike would be great for commuting purposes--the tax money i just got is about the exact amount that it would cost. The Lord is so merciful, y'all! (P.S. i've gotten a lot more Southern since i've been working at Lewis and Clark.)
Sweet sassy molassy.
On Monday the thought came. "I should train for a triathlon." I took it so literally that i bought running shoes and got a summer gym membership (the HPER) and was looking into getting a road bike. I was going for it. On Wednesday night my dad talked to me about being a wise steward and remaining focused on my purpose in life. It felt like a knife in the heart. I moped around for a while, cried, and wasn't very much fun to be with (sorry, girls). Today i realized that i have been given three goals to work towards this summer, and they are physical, mental, and spiritual--sort of like a triathlon has three disciplines. I want to become a better rock climber so that i can have more fun out in Creation, and make more hippie friends. I want to memorize "the Entertainer" by Scott Joplin so that when people find out i play the piano, i actually have something to play, and they can laugh (it's impossible to hear "the Entertainer" played live and not laugh). I want to become faithful and effective in intercessory prayer so that the nations are shaken. How did i think i would have time for anything else? The good thing is that i needed running shoes because i didn't have ANY athletic shoes. And the HPER has rock walls. And the bike would be great for commuting purposes--the tax money i just got is about the exact amount that it would cost. The Lord is so merciful, y'all! (P.S. i've gotten a lot more Southern since i've been working at Lewis and Clark.)
Sweet sassy molassy.
01 May 2008
essential extras
I shouldn't be on here writing this right now, i should be asleep. But i'm wanting some of that gratification that comes from the blind assumption that you are reading this and can relate. (Empathy can be addictive, especially when so easily accessible by Internet, don't you think?) (And you must admit that that vowel alliteration was supremely superb.) (Is it prideful to point out my own literary feats?) (It's DEFINITELY time to stop parenthesizing.) See?
All i wanted to do, reader, was somehow explain a phenomenon that i've recently noticed, mainly through a sweet new friend. She is so exuberantly encouraging that i don't know how i ever could deserve someone like that, but i also don't know what i would do without it. You know? It's SO extra, icing-on-the-cake-and-eat-it-too-with-a-cherry-AND-sugar-on-top, and overflowing and abundant, but at the same time.. necessary?
I think God is like that, except really really fundamental.
Good night.
All i wanted to do, reader, was somehow explain a phenomenon that i've recently noticed, mainly through a sweet new friend. She is so exuberantly encouraging that i don't know how i ever could deserve someone like that, but i also don't know what i would do without it. You know? It's SO extra, icing-on-the-cake-and-eat-it-too-with-a-cherry-AND-sugar-on-top, and overflowing and abundant, but at the same time.. necessary?
I think God is like that, except really really fundamental.
Good night.
09 April 2008
i can't wait
Here are some things that i love to think may be in my future.
- My own garden.
- My own kitchen.
- My own rambunctious family of boys who love adventure and wild things.
- My own man to love and submit to and help.
31 March 2008
"humility" should really be called "life"
HUMILITY is a big word; not because i just wrote it in all caps. Nor because of its eight letters. It's a big word because of all of its connotations and false definitions and misinterpretations that are poisonous to our thinking. Instead of bringing up all sorts of ideas of freedom and fulfilled life, the word tends to throw clouds over our minds, and weigh heavy on our brain areas that deal with compulsion. It doesn't make sense to our physical-world-immersed selves.
What a clever trick! Humility really is the most freeing and wonderfully joyful thing that one could possibly embody. It is really counter-intuitive, but when you let go of that, and close your eyes and fall backwards into it, you find that it is the strongest support you'll ever find because it is the Father's Rest. Too bad i don't live there. What does it take? How do we get out from underneath the layers of stacks of worry and care, and just be? What if we're too weak to cast them off?
I think the answer is really close to "Just forget." It's sort of like C.S. Lewis's discussion of Contemplation vs. Enjoyment--they're mutually exclusive, but also codependent.
All this philosophizing...
Note: the 'discussion' link isn't to an exhaustive explanation of the idea, but rather an article mentioning Lewis's thoughts and making an entirely different point at the end. I could have done more research to provide you with a better link, and i may do so in the future. Sorry.
What a clever trick! Humility really is the most freeing and wonderfully joyful thing that one could possibly embody. It is really counter-intuitive, but when you let go of that, and close your eyes and fall backwards into it, you find that it is the strongest support you'll ever find because it is the Father's Rest. Too bad i don't live there. What does it take? How do we get out from underneath the layers of stacks of worry and care, and just be? What if we're too weak to cast them off?
I think the answer is really close to "Just forget." It's sort of like C.S. Lewis's discussion of Contemplation vs. Enjoyment--they're mutually exclusive, but also codependent.
All this philosophizing...
Note: the 'discussion' link isn't to an exhaustive explanation of the idea, but rather an article mentioning Lewis's thoughts and making an entirely different point at the end. I could have done more research to provide you with a better link, and i may do so in the future. Sorry.
28 March 2008
Whose child are you?
Note: this is from a weekly email by Garold Andersen of Watershed Arts. It's this wonderful every time. -mg
John 8:39 "Our father is Abraham!" they replied. Jesus said, "No. If you were Abraham's children you would act like him."
Looking through the titles on the non-fiction best-seller list a week ago, I saw book after book with 'God' in the title: The God Delusion, God is not Great, Against all Gods, etc. As the titles imply, the authors of these books are writing that believing in God is not only nonsense; it's dangerous.
Why do you imagine that millions of people would buy these books aimed at eradicating the concept of God from the world? Do they actually view God as the enemy of their happiness? Obviously many do. The books I've mentioned, however, are not to blame.
Was it the pagan system of Rome that Jesus confronted in the above verse or was it those who said they knew God? If Mr. Smith's children are bullies, cheats, and liars, why would Mr. Smith be any different? If his children said, "Our father is full of love and teaches us to love others", you would shake your head in disbelief. But when Mr. Smith's children claim to be the children of God, many of the people who meet them say, "I hope the God of these arrogant bullies doesn't really exist." And they are happy when someone writes a book that says he doesn't.
There is not much I can do about those who say that believing in God is stupid or dangerous. There's also little I can do about those who misrepresent God through their greed, lies, and arrogance. I can, however, pray that I am not one of them. "Son of God, full of love and grace, here are the pages of my life. Write the powerful evidence of Your character in me."
John 8:39 "Our father is Abraham!" they replied. Jesus said, "No. If you were Abraham's children you would act like him."
Looking through the titles on the non-fiction best-seller list a week ago, I saw book after book with 'God' in the title: The God Delusion, God is not Great, Against all Gods, etc. As the titles imply, the authors of these books are writing that believing in God is not only nonsense; it's dangerous.
Why do you imagine that millions of people would buy these books aimed at eradicating the concept of God from the world? Do they actually view God as the enemy of their happiness? Obviously many do. The books I've mentioned, however, are not to blame.
Was it the pagan system of Rome that Jesus confronted in the above verse or was it those who said they knew God? If Mr. Smith's children are bullies, cheats, and liars, why would Mr. Smith be any different? If his children said, "Our father is full of love and teaches us to love others", you would shake your head in disbelief. But when Mr. Smith's children claim to be the children of God, many of the people who meet them say, "I hope the God of these arrogant bullies doesn't really exist." And they are happy when someone writes a book that says he doesn't.
There is not much I can do about those who say that believing in God is stupid or dangerous. There's also little I can do about those who misrepresent God through their greed, lies, and arrogance. I can, however, pray that I am not one of them. "Son of God, full of love and grace, here are the pages of my life. Write the powerful evidence of Your character in me."
12 March 2008
here comes the sun
It's been a crazy week so far; it feels like it's been eons long. I've spent lots of time at dear Lewis & Clark. My emotions have gone wild. And i've leared several valuable lessons.
1) Pay close attention to following distance, especially when it's rush hour and there is a long line of vehicles on the on-ramp. If you don't, one likely outcome is an hour spent trying to un-spear your front bumper from the truck's trailer hitch in front of you, and a driver's door that is inoperable. I know all this from experience. Tip: offering carrot sticks, no matter how delicious, can be ineffective as apology for delaying 4 youths from their dinner.
2) The word "haver" means to talk foolishly or babble, used mostly in Scottish English. Just thought you should know. It's in that song... you know.. the one about walking a thousand miles to fall down at your door (probably one of my top ten favorite songs in the universe. i just love it a whole lot). And i was so curious.
3) It's much easier to wake up early when we have Sprung Forward (perhaps i shall rant about that at another time.. i strongly disagree with Daylight Savings adjustments) when you have an incentive, such as a meeting for Bible study that you know is going to refresh your soul and challenge your heart and realign your priorities. However, it is disappointing to miss the sunrise because of said time change.
4) Casting your cares upon the LORD is an effective way to practice humility. Drinking chocolate malts is not. This is sort of a strange one, and kind of the reason i started this blog entry. Ever since i got back from my meanderings, i've been eating really properly and healthily, almost like i don't care about food anymore. Before i would count food groups and relish sweets and always lick the bowl when i made a cake, and loved food. Lately it's been more that i eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm full, have what is yummy and healthy, and not really have an appetite for sweets. It's wonderful because i'm always satisfied and full of energy, and food isn't that important to me--i don't think about it much. But today, for some reason, it seemed that i went back to old habits. I had half of Colin's cinnamon roll at work when i had already had a delicious and fulfilling breakfast, and after i ate a perfectly satisfactory lunch, i went to Sonic and got a chocolate malt. Why? I guess i'm used to indulging. But it was against my preference. I didn't really want either the roll or the malt--i had them out of habit. So if humility is "just being honest," then it was prideful to eat those things. I didn't want them. I was satisfied without them. Plus, they were an avenue for worry, because i know what sweet and fatty things do to bodies. That care was something that i didn't cast upon the LORD. I had created it myself.
I love learning lessons. I love growing and making mistakes and learning how not to make them in the future. I love not being perfect. It makes life interesting.
...it's all right.
1) Pay close attention to following distance, especially when it's rush hour and there is a long line of vehicles on the on-ramp. If you don't, one likely outcome is an hour spent trying to un-spear your front bumper from the truck's trailer hitch in front of you, and a driver's door that is inoperable. I know all this from experience. Tip: offering carrot sticks, no matter how delicious, can be ineffective as apology for delaying 4 youths from their dinner.
2) The word "haver" means to talk foolishly or babble, used mostly in Scottish English. Just thought you should know. It's in that song... you know.. the one about walking a thousand miles to fall down at your door (probably one of my top ten favorite songs in the universe. i just love it a whole lot). And i was so curious.
3) It's much easier to wake up early when we have Sprung Forward (perhaps i shall rant about that at another time.. i strongly disagree with Daylight Savings adjustments) when you have an incentive, such as a meeting for Bible study that you know is going to refresh your soul and challenge your heart and realign your priorities. However, it is disappointing to miss the sunrise because of said time change.
4) Casting your cares upon the LORD is an effective way to practice humility. Drinking chocolate malts is not. This is sort of a strange one, and kind of the reason i started this blog entry. Ever since i got back from my meanderings, i've been eating really properly and healthily, almost like i don't care about food anymore. Before i would count food groups and relish sweets and always lick the bowl when i made a cake, and loved food. Lately it's been more that i eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm full, have what is yummy and healthy, and not really have an appetite for sweets. It's wonderful because i'm always satisfied and full of energy, and food isn't that important to me--i don't think about it much. But today, for some reason, it seemed that i went back to old habits. I had half of Colin's cinnamon roll at work when i had already had a delicious and fulfilling breakfast, and after i ate a perfectly satisfactory lunch, i went to Sonic and got a chocolate malt. Why? I guess i'm used to indulging. But it was against my preference. I didn't really want either the roll or the malt--i had them out of habit. So if humility is "just being honest," then it was prideful to eat those things. I didn't want them. I was satisfied without them. Plus, they were an avenue for worry, because i know what sweet and fatty things do to bodies. That care was something that i didn't cast upon the LORD. I had created it myself.
I love learning lessons. I love growing and making mistakes and learning how not to make them in the future. I love not being perfect. It makes life interesting.
...it's all right.
06 March 2008
heart-melters
My heart feels. It's just feely right now; i don't know how to describe it. It's kind of heavy, and a funny-hurt (like a bruise, you know? or ants in your feet) is sitting there. It kind of swirls up with these things:
1. "Mom and Dad" by Jason Upton. It's a song about growing up. Here are the lyrics:
Mom and dad take a look at me
On my bike riding both hands free
And I'm all right
It's a good night
I'm bigger now that I've ever been
Training wheels, got no need for them
Mom, I'm growing
Dad, I got to get going
We are not the same
Every day, we are changing
Another season fades
But that's o.k.
We are changing anyway
Mom and dad look who's holding me
Someone I get to love and
Dream with on cold nights
And through the hard times
We're sailing out to the great unknown
Our hearts are set on that perfect home
Mom, we won't fight
Dad, the wind's right
Mom and dad the kids sure grow up fast
The more they grow up the more I ask
What am I doing?
I hope it doesn't ruin them
Your ways are worth more than costly gems
I'm digging up my past to remember them
Mom, I love you
Dad, there's nobody like you
Oh man. There's so much about family, and love, and perpetual child-likeness here.. what beauty there is in child-likeness! That swirls my heart so much!
2. The other day i read this about my incredible Savior (Mattew 8:1-2):
When he came down from the mountain, great crowds followed him. And behold, a leper came to him and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, if you will, you can make me clean." And Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, "I will; be clean." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.
Do you see it? Do you see the rush of "of COURSE," the compassion, the love? How tender and beautiful! I had to read it over and over, and remember not to cry.
3. Today in the store i was checking out (in the clerk sense of the word) a man.. and his name was so Korean that i had to ask him. It turned out that he was the pastor of the Korean church in our community! I wanted to talk with him more, and ask him lots of questions, but i also wanted to respect cultural boundaries, and situational boundaries, i suppose. The store was pretty busy. But that encounter made my day. There were also these beautiful women, one from India and one from Columbia, who were preparing for a ski trip with their families, and it was such a joy to help them.
4. I'm meeting with a mom for Bible study whose heart is so beautiful..
I don't know why i'm crying right now. It's all these things, i suppose, and the snow outside, and being warm inside, and having my parents here, and knowing that i'm loved (Mom just came in and brought me tissues and held me, because she heard me crying). Yes. I think that's it. Love. I think my heart is growing.
1. "Mom and Dad" by Jason Upton. It's a song about growing up. Here are the lyrics:
Mom and dad take a look at me
On my bike riding both hands free
And I'm all right
It's a good night
I'm bigger now that I've ever been
Training wheels, got no need for them
Mom, I'm growing
Dad, I got to get going
We are not the same
Every day, we are changing
Another season fades
But that's o.k.
We are changing anyway
Mom and dad look who's holding me
Someone I get to love and
Dream with on cold nights
And through the hard times
We're sailing out to the great unknown
Our hearts are set on that perfect home
Mom, we won't fight
Dad, the wind's right
Mom and dad the kids sure grow up fast
The more they grow up the more I ask
What am I doing?
I hope it doesn't ruin them
Your ways are worth more than costly gems
I'm digging up my past to remember them
Mom, I love you
Dad, there's nobody like you
Oh man. There's so much about family, and love, and perpetual child-likeness here.. what beauty there is in child-likeness! That swirls my heart so much!
2. The other day i read this about my incredible Savior (Mattew 8:1-2):
When he came down from the mountain, great crowds followed him. And behold, a leper came to him and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, if you will, you can make me clean." And Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, "I will; be clean." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.
Do you see it? Do you see the rush of "of COURSE," the compassion, the love? How tender and beautiful! I had to read it over and over, and remember not to cry.
3. Today in the store i was checking out (in the clerk sense of the word) a man.. and his name was so Korean that i had to ask him. It turned out that he was the pastor of the Korean church in our community! I wanted to talk with him more, and ask him lots of questions, but i also wanted to respect cultural boundaries, and situational boundaries, i suppose. The store was pretty busy. But that encounter made my day. There were also these beautiful women, one from India and one from Columbia, who were preparing for a ski trip with their families, and it was such a joy to help them.
4. I'm meeting with a mom for Bible study whose heart is so beautiful..
I don't know why i'm crying right now. It's all these things, i suppose, and the snow outside, and being warm inside, and having my parents here, and knowing that i'm loved (Mom just came in and brought me tissues and held me, because she heard me crying). Yes. I think that's it. Love. I think my heart is growing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)