yes

switching to wordpress

2009-05-25T13:26:00.001-05:00

see you here!

more love and rain

2009-05-14T12:07:00.004-05:00

Writing out of freedom and not bondage is kind of like perfection.

Springtime rains do not make me miserable. Water falls from the sky in little drops, lots, all over, and it touches everything. There is nothing it does not find. Sometimes you can trick the rain by making it fall on something else before it gets to you, and you stay dry. But it takes so much effort to be completely not wet when it rains. It takes a lot of staying and covering. There is something beautiful about being the same person whether the rain has full access to you or not.

The ice storm ravaged us. It took limb from tree and dashed it to the ground. It thrashed the weak and bent the strong. It was grievous and tragic. Little did it know that life and love are stronger than death--the rain falls on everything, and there is so much green. Green is everywhere; new hope springs from the scars of the ruined.

It seems that being a person is a full-time job until others depend on you full-time. Then you work overflowing-time, and there is no way to do it unless lives are the same, twine together, love together, abide in the same Vine. There is no choosing your family, past nor future, but there is choosing to bend and live with them. There is no choosing whom, but there is choosing how. It takes so much dying to self, so much cutting off of those directions of self-will that try to sprout and grow--and it would be admirable and glittery to allow them and follow them, but so, so lonely. (Not killing those dreams of your heart that are true and right and divine, but trusting that they will come about in due time.) That is why love is so earthy and organic and gardeny. It hurts so good.

Sometimes the birds get at the strawberries even though you made chicken-wire covers for your pots. i know from experience. There is a lot that i write that i don't know from experience, i just look and see, and then think i have known. i hope there is some truth in it somewhere--how else am i to live? Living takes faith, i suppose. And writing does.

Where are you, voice?

jolene

2009-05-08T12:44:00.004-05:00

Some days i can't do anything right except stand in the rain and welcome the wet and welcome the wet. i'm sorry when it stops.

i still don't know what love means.

human things: love and rain

2009-05-01T12:47:00.004-05:00

Love is a real-life kind of thing. It's messy and difficult and involved and embarrassing and indescribably wonderful. It goes back to our roots, our trueness, our real selves, before there was any wrong or hurt in the world. It is the spiritual power of life--from organelles to ecosystems, from birth until death, we move by its currents. It is like many things in our conscious human world: not what we imagine, not the ideal, but better--natural, rough-edged, real-life. It's like finding an umbrella that was lost.

Rain falls on the just and the unjust. The best-laid sidewalks and landscaped beds and sculptures and picnic tables of men lie open-faced to the same deluge that untouched rocks and trees and woodland burrows know so well. A human-thing mystery. No man is not subject to the elements, even those who remain inside. The whole reason we have buildings is because of weather.

Anyone want to go puddle-splashing?

no not one

2009-04-26T19:41:00.003-05:00

There's not a friend like the lowly Jesus. It's wonderful to know that solitude doesn't have to be lonely. How often i live there in spite of this, believing the lie that one more thing will allow me to truly rejoice--companion, possession, situation, attitude, accomplishment, adventure--when, truly, these things will be added when i'm not seeking them, but the Kingdom. I feel so dense that this comes alive to me just now, when i've been reciting Matthew 6:33 and expounding upon this principle for many years. But isn't that the point of life: to go on learning and toiling and discovering? And that keeps us humble and mutually teachable if we're willing. There is no human being alive who does not have more to learn--if only we would look at each face we encounter through that lens!

Speaking of learning, i have to have an opinion about who is to blame for the Holocaust within the next two hours (one reason why i'm writing here instead of the Word document that's right behind). I don't want to talk about it, i want to weep about it! I want to weep and weep. I'm not good at weeping. My heart gets detatched sometimes--many times that i wish it was pained enough for tears to flow. Most of my sadness is selfish and vain.

But for now, the beginning of the last week of the last semester of Junior year. All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well.

human things: independence and tragedy

2009-03-30T22:40:00.009-05:00

Rigoberta Menchu won the 1992 Nobel Peace Prize because she lived with her eyes open and then did something about it.

Sometimes, when we least expect it, we are given the freedom we've been waiting for.

i didn't realize how important it was to hear affirming words from people in authority over me. The turning point to my week--and probably to my semester--was my professor's "you are a good student" and "you're motivated," because i didn't think i was. Not truly in my bones i didn't. But now i know, and everything that was a struggle before--just stuff like studying and getting homework done--is so much easier now.

The other day i put my three herb-sprouted pots outside before the overnight rain. When i looked out the window after business of a day, the realization hit--there were only two in that cardboard on that rail. i ran down the deck stairs and to the ruins of basil-dirt.. the pot was intact, but i had no idea where the baby seeds were. i didn't hold back tears because i wasn't crying but i felt like i should. It was one of those moments where the depravity of the world, of accidental mishap that has life-quenching consequences, created a beautiful sorrow in me like tragedy in real life. I know it was just a few seeds, but doesn't everything feel that way that isn't how it Should be?

Rainy days make me a little bit tragic and a lot pensive. Sunny days make me joyful with a hint of longing. It seems that most people i talk to are affected by the weather in some pattern like that.

Days come and go and keep coming and going. There's an unknown number of them.

Adding to the list:
-the need to be affirmed
-tragedy
-mood changes based on weather
-finity of life

human things: creation

2009-03-18T22:16:00.008-05:00

Some projects just pull from their hiding place, way back behind the extra dimension of canvas, screaming and longing and pining and wailing to come out, and you're the only one who knows. Those end up being the not-so-great ones because it is rare that they can come out with justice. (Lots of things are like that, i think, but here we are as fallen Man, right?)

Others come together like an impromptu meal, with the perfect herbs complementing the vibrant vegetable-colors and the little bit of unexpected extra that just makes it whole. These are usually more satisfying--it's easier to stop working and be done than it is on the childbirth kind.

Honesty is as important in art as it is in life. No matter how uncomfortable it is to admit that there is a shadow that shapes that particular contour, no matter what irrational force is keeping the brush from the deeper value, it is not True unless it is done--there is no condemnation if you make a mistake. Similarly, nobody is going to judge anyone for being a person; it's True, who you are, and the Master knew every piece and particle and smudge of you before He called you out of the canvas.

Painting and cooking and other creative things are using energy to synthesize matter, but really we're just using pieces that have already been created. Cool, huh?

Human Things addition:
-the need to create.

human things

2009-03-03T21:04:00.007-06:00

A long time ago i started making a list of things that are common to all humans (and not animals)--trans-culture, -gender, -time, -geography--because i wanted to embrace the things that are integral to my being human, and de-priortitize things that are not. With the design to include every possible item, i started with the obvious:

family/friends
language
relationships in general
food preparation
education
rites of passage
dwellings
going to work and coming back
caring for children
exploring one's environs
technology and the improvement thereof

Then i sort of stopped because i thought it was a little too obvious.
But i want to think about it more. Things that i truly love, and feel that i was created to do, or that i feel are innate (sometimes wrong things), bring me back to this list--i see that they come from my being a person.

desire to know the weather
reluctance to submit to authority
desire to know the source of right and wrong (and many other things)
dancing and singing
love and suffering
paradox: longing for freedom but continuing in (sometimes subconscious) self-repression; and many others
philosophizing about life, no matter one's education or "right" to do so

Some days it's harder to be a person than others.

Oo, here's a thought: what if the only reason that humans have language and other creatures don't is because we were created for deep relationship? Animals have purely physical, selfish relationships because they have no way of communicating their deeper thoughts (if they have any, which i doubt). Complex language for them would be pointless because all they would say (as they do now, in their own utterances) would be stuff like "FOOD!" and "Oh no!" and "Get away from my ____". But we, agonizingly and ecstatically, have so much complexity and depth that language, as wonderful and useful as it is, doesn't come close to portraying all that we are. I think that is because there is a spiritual part of us that is inexpressible with words--and animals don't have that.

In light of that, i wonder which of the things on the list are there because they are also characteristics of God, the Spirit, the Creator? Or at least because they are spiritual things. I don't think God struggles with stuff like selfishness. Maybe that is a direct result of our having spirits AND bodies--the spirit gets corrupted. Hmm, that sounds like something Paul would say.
...
Um, so, go do a BibleGateway search for "flesh and spirit" and start thinking. It will blow you away. I don't have time for expository on all of that right now. Here are a few relevant ones to what i've been discussing here:

John 3:6
Flesh gives birth to flesh, but the Spirit gives birth to spirit.
John 6:63
The Spirit gives life; the flesh counts for nothing. The words I have spoken to you are spirit and they are life.
Mark 14:38
Watch and pray so that you will not fall into temptation. The spirit is willing, but the body is weak."
Romans 8:10
But if Christ is in you, your body is dead because of sin, yet your spirit is alive because of righteousness.
Romans 8:13
For if you live according to the sinful nature, you will die; but if by the Spirit you put to death the misdeeds of the body, you will live,
1 Corinthians 6:19
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own;

Yay! Who knew that a simple philosophizing bog post would turn into a Bible study? "Not i," said the fly. Nor i, to be sure. That was a lot more fun than starting on my 10-page paper that is due in 3 days.

So help me add to the list!

it's so easy

2009-02-22T16:00:00.004-06:00

One of my favorite parts about being away from home was writing back. A captive audience made it so enjoyable. And now i don't write as often as i should because i "don't have time."

This time that i'm using right now i actually don't have. It's like spending money--it's literally in the account, but it will literally be needed next month--but it's there, it's easy to spend. This time is here now, and it won't be tomorrow, but it's easy to waste because there is no urgency. It's got to be budgeted and sorted and packaged and saved and used as promised.. but it's so easy to live in free blindness rather than safe diligence.

I love the Fayetteville Public Library and its story-windows. You can see so much of the sky through the library windows. I think that's important to everything that libraries represent.

A bad habit that i've gotten into is waiting a very long time when i'm thirsty before i drink water.

My daddy can look at an airplane flying overhead and say what it is. I wish i could do that, too. i know sort of generally C1-30s and F-15 and 16s, and B-17s, and that those mean Cargo and Fighter and Bomber, but they don't fly over Fayetteville very often. I'd also like to know more about meteorology.

Pointless rambling, anyone? Why do i post this on the World Wide Web for all to see?

not alone, remember

2009-02-15T13:39:00.004-06:00

When i first got back from Thailand one year ago, i listened to this CD like breathing air, like i had just come within seconds of drowning, and all i could do was breathe and know that i wasn't dead. There is healing in the music because there is God's message in the music.

Today at church was about Joshua: be strong and very courageous, and I will never leave you.

Please believe me when i talk about circles. These things all orbit together: being the same as children--having the deep need for being held, following rebellious streaks, realizing the meanings of stuff; never being alone because of the sorrow and love of our Father--He is with us, he knows, he is watching out the kitchen window; learning lessons over and over--knowing that we have to love our neighbor but struggling so hard; having to die and say Yes to life--giving up our 'rights' to toys, space, food, transportation; seasons and change and newness--moving to a new house, going to a new school, getting a new job; old habits dying hard. You know?

So often i experience the very same emotions that i did when i was a child--i remember--because i'm the same person, except bigger. And i'm learning the same lessons, except connected in different ways.

Love is so glad, but so deep and painful. I think that's what beauty is too.

superman. banana.

2009-02-02T22:37:00.003-06:00

Tony Horton's voice resonates from every room in my house. Echoes of his revved-up exhortations to Get Busy are infiltrating the brains of my roommates. We're all doing P90X--those workout videos from infomercials, you know. It's great exercise, but i have the feeling that we will all want to kill Tony long before 90 days are over.

I'm starting to realize the imbalance between my talking and not-talking. Many times i keep something silent that is burning to come out of my mouth. i should know that it's okay for me to say stuff. Not talking makes people think i have deep and wise insight to contribute when i really don't, i just don't like hearing the sound of my own voice. I would hate to become a say-lots-of-random-words-foolishly person, but is that just pride? I should pray about this. Also i am not quick at thinking on my toes, and often what i want to say becomes formulated minutes after the opportunity passes. (See? This argument is one of the main reasons i don't talk or don't say completely what i mean, and it only came after all the rest of that fluff. My point exactly.)

I'm bad at concluding blog posts.

cold without electricity

2009-01-28T16:54:00.003-06:00

If my life were paced like the past couple have been--slow, contemplative, unrushed--i could write books. The Tin House has been getting colder by temperature but warmer by roommate-love: we've been cooking, eating, sitting, drinking, talking, walking, shivering, deciding, laughing together. It's a beautiful thing.

cold without Christmas

2009-01-20T21:20:00.010-06:00

i know i should be slapped for saying this, but there's something about being at the end of our ropes that is so hopeful. Once we lose our death-grip on the last fibers, and slip off the end into oblivion, we're Free: Someone has been there the whole time, patient, waiting to envelop us in the sweet Mama-sling of rest and humility and peace and drool.

On Friday we had a Christmas-cookie-and-Elf-movie party because it's been too cold to not be Christmastime, but i think the discomfort goes deeper than that. Remember in the Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe, it was always winter and never Christmas when the evil witch was queen? There's something sinister about it, like death. Ropes get really short. Pressure, disease, crisis, hopelessness--unless we become reconciled to the idea of falling for miles and being smashed into smithereens like glass, because that idea might be the same as trust.

The moments that His strength flows make it easy. i'm not denying that there are also the dark moments of turning off the light and waking up in the cold morning and being late and forgetting something and letting someone down, and there's the rope mocking in your face. i don't know how to live in joy there. but i know that falling isn't miles into a canyon of sharp boulders, it is inches into His plush embrace.

The good news is that Spring comes like clockwork, like the Earth turning, like the axis staying 23.44 degrees while we whiz off to another familiar side of our orbit!

and i kazoo'd the national anthem last week but forgot today.

10:32 pm EDIT: i actually did have the opportunity to musically serve my country today: Lindi just got an earful of kazoo over the phone.

again, new

2009-01-14T20:49:00.002-06:00

Remember when i told you about the circles of life? Well it's really true. It's new over and over again, life.

Veronica says, "prone to wander, Lord, i feel it / prone to leave this God i love; / take my heart, Lord, take and seal it / seal it for Thy courts above."

Bekah says, "Long-sleeve t-shirts are like the sundress of winter: i just have to wear them."

Today i ate too much, and was sad so i bought ice cream and ate it. Remember last time that happened? That time was better.

Sorry. Maybe there will be a real blog one day.

new tear

2009-01-01T22:30:00.002-06:00

The best New Year's Eve party ever happened this year. Fun people, good, understanding, eccentric, loving, old-friendy people. And it's a good time to remember and know that time keeps plodding, and the choices are to learn and go on the way marked out, and rest, or gradually lose more and more identity by pridefully striking out through the underbrush which could get to the same destination, but not as rightfully. With Choice One comes a lot of trust that the path is adventurous as it is marked, and is better than any other way.

I really meant to type "new year" but that's what came out so i left it.

human.

2008-12-29T20:24:00.002-06:00

Sorry for the silence. If no one comments, i have no evidence of readers, and therefore no motivation to write. This is pride, yes. There have been many neon indicators of pride in my life lately, and one of them is the flaring frustration that i feel at that fact.

C.S. Lewis observes that time goes at the rate of sixty seconds per minute, and i kind of love how true that is. I love that time is just a skinny slice of our existence but we wouldn't know how to be without it.

When i'm home i eat like a pig and don't exercise, (neon) and care too much.

Sometimes i try to construct my own worldly-awesome life by planning adventures (involving extensive sojourns across oceans) and it's just [neon] because what my book says in Heaven is way better than anything i could ever plan. Staying here and following when i hear Him read out of it is a much more glorious adventure. It's a lot more simple, too. And i keep saying that i like simple.

Madeleine L'Engle died in September 2007. I wrote her a letter earlier that year but never sent it because i was shy, and didn't even know if she was still alive, and now it's too late. A good chunk of my self would not be as whole without her widsom. The most influential writer of my life could have known it (on this earth at least) but the chance is gone. I'm glad for her, that she knows what is beyond Death now.

there is a great, noble life outside this window in the snow

2008-11-30T14:10:00.006-06:00

I like that they call snow flurries snow flurries. Because that's what they do. And i'm really glad that i am sitting at this upstairs library table, right where the gnarly, angley, reachy tree can see me and tell me it's snowing. If it wasn't there i would have no distinction between the snow-motes and their mothering panel of cloud. I love that tree from very inside me, and i know that if i were snuggled in its hug i would still be cold because i would be outside and it's snowing. And there is a little sugaring on its branches already.

Moments like this have to be taken as they come, no matter what deadlines have me in their nooses, no matter how close the countdown is to zero. Life is worth living when i can take minutes to blog about my tree and the snow. But i also have to get to work. And so shall i.

I will call upon the LORD, who is worthy to be praised: so shall i be saved from mine enemies.
Psalm 18:3

delving into the past

2008-11-10T13:37:00.007-06:00

If you have lots of time on your hands and are curious about my thoughts about life in high school, this is my old blog. There is a link to a "new one" which only has a few posts on it (though they are HILARIOUS). Enjoy!

EDIT: Remember all those times when i promised to write about pain even more? WELL, i'm writing a paper on it for class. So maybe i'll share it later. Yay for not lying to you after all!

isaac

2008-11-05T15:21:00.004-06:00

I just had a dream about deer and buffalo.

If mom saw a bear in our house, she would say, *gasp* "there's a bear!" and then she would try to kill 'im.

Sometimes i freak out about candy and want some more after i've already had some.

You only eat candy at night, or in the early morning. But not in the daylight. Because that's not a good way to start your day. Breakfast is a good way to start your day.

I frake out.

You laugh like a pig.

[in the southernest drawl you can muster] I'm refillin my bullets. That's what i sure am doin'. Doin'. Doin'. Doin'.

a cross-out life

2008-10-28T13:17:00.006-05:00

Whenever i complete an item on a to-do list, i strike it through rather than check it off. There is such victorious closure in that gesture. If something becomes irrelevant or impossible for my list, i scribble it out, sometimes until it's unreadable. Maybe this comes from my tendency to reverse-self-investigate (e.g. if anyone wanted to discover why or when i did this or what i wrote here, they couldn't discover it in this way but would have to think about this other thing). Too much Sherlock Holmes as a child, perhaps?

A couple of weeks ago i made a list of lists to make (while driving).

things that go through a cycle of being bad, reaching a prime, and then being bad again (as opposed to being awesome at first and then declining, or things that get better with age)
things that get better with age
things that are awesome at first then decline
unusual things that can be done safely while driving
eccentricities to try
languages to know
things to tell kids about life
things not to buy

I want to start saving quotes from books that i read and organizing them into easily accessible format. The easiest way of doing that is making a blog post and labeling it, so don't be surprised if that starts happening.

i'm It: 7 random things

2008-10-06T14:29:00.003-05:00

Thank Amber for this nonsense.

1. The high school AP Stat student in me is uncomfortable with this use of "random." There is no way to make any of these seven things about myself be equally probable to be listed out of ALL the stuff about me that there is (assuming that all the stuff about me is quantitative). I will proceed under the assumption that "random" here means "nonchalantly chosen."

2. I just looked that up to make sure i had a point, and am reassured to know that the equal-chance definition applies only to Statistics, and that in everyday usage "random" means "chosen without method or conscious decision" (Mac dictionary). Procedimus.

3. Listing is one of the activities that i enjoy. Last week i made a list of lists i would like to make. I also have started a list of "human things," things that we all have in common.

4. My deepest irrational fear is that fish will bite off (or just nibble at--ugggghhh) my toes whenever i'm in geological bodies of water.

5. One of my most melodramatic internal dilemmas (which you are familiar with if you've been a faithful frequenter of this blog) is my reckless love for the ocean and all things maritime, especially adventures therein, thereof, or therabouts, and yet my deep detest for any (ostensibly) edible thing that comes from it.

6. An endeavor that i have considered untertaking is writing an alliterative dictionary. Maybe there aren't enough words in the English language to make that a real possibility.

7. My favorite thing to do in ballet class (among many wonderful things) is pique to the 5th.

Hate to be a wet blanket, but i don't know enough people who blog for fun to perpetuate this tagging business. I think Susie should start a blog. Then i would tag her.

kitchen messes: Pumpkin Oatmeal Cake

2008-09-30T15:33:00.003-05:00

Here's one that turned out even better than expected. I'm surprised at myself that i measured as i went along, but i guess that's good for you because you can try it, too!

1 c. flour (i use Hodgson's Mill half whole wheat/half white)
1 c. rolled oats
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp baking powder
Really Large Dash of cinnamon
Medium Dash of: ginger, nutmeg, allspice
Smaller Dash of ground cloves

1/2 can pumpkin
1/4 c. vegetable oil
3/4 c. buttermilk
Big Splash of vanilla
3/4 c. brown sugar
1 tsp salt

However Many walnuts you have ( i LOVE walnuts )
and, Essential Ingredient: make a Pandora station from "These Streets" by Paolo Nutini. It will make all the difference.

Some Extra Yummy Optional Stuff to put on the top
-honey
-streusel topping (you know, flower, butter, sugar--i didn't actually do this but it would be good)
-coconut?

I think it took about 35 minutes at 350.. but that's subjective. I'm confident that you know how to tell if a cake is done.

Maybe if you all make this, the weather will actually turn autumn-y?

celestial tea-saucer

2008-09-17T13:36:00.005-05:00

every culture has had religion. there is evidence, always, of some thought of the afterlife or spirits or something intangibly real. flowers in graves. doesn't mean there is a spiritual realm, Dr. Atheist, it just means that it bears investigation. just like if everyone agreed that there was a saucer of tea up in the sky between the moon and the sun. it would be weird. but if Every Person thought so, i'd think we should check it out.

Those are my thoughts on the topic of Tuesday's discussion in my World Civilization class. My thoughts right now are that i should be less "Laconic" in my writing. I don't take enough time to wrestle sentences out of my mind when just words will do--correct but not excellent. And i don't write until i don't have time.

Do you have that one piece of clothing that always gets stained? My Thai pants have had way too many interactions with liquids that do not make them clean.

It's a beautiful day; i'm going to do laundry, study, and write a letter before making actual food for dinner and then studying some more. I would rather go on a photo-walk, or paint, or plant a garden, or ride my bike to Kingdom Come to see who's waiting for me there.

dulce et decorum est

2008-09-03T13:06:00.004-05:00

It's Wilfred Owen's famous WWI poem about 'the old Lie.' I read it in the 10th grade. Now i'm studying Latin (or maybe glancing at it for about 5 minutes 3 days a week) and random words pop into my head, such as 'cenam parat' and 'fessa est,' et cetera, like lots of times when i'm learning a new language.

I'm going to tie that in to the Fall of Man somehow whenever i dig my notes back out. I'm going to talk about the childlikeness of blaming one another, the serpent eating dust, consciousness and dependence, and lots of other deep thoughts from the beginning of Genesis. I won't leave you lost in the middle of a deep, dark journey without leading you to the end, like i did last time.

I'm also going to make these curtains match someday, put oil in my car, stop eating lots of cooked food, and put rubber bands in my braces for the last week. Like Amber, i'm going to have a date with Writing.

circles

2008-08-29T14:05:00.002-05:00

Today i was struck by the wonder of the gift of literacy. Reading and writing really are not necessary to life and breath; but they enrich them to the nth degree. Besides all the uses for written communication, it is just downright pleasurable to look at marks on a page (or screen nowadays) and know what they mean. Thanks, God. (Maybe i should be thinking about Gilgamesh in World Lit, but it's more fun for me to think about words.)

I think that a lot of life happens in circles, and this is reflected by some different things. In certain kinds of Psalms, the organization is not centrally based on line or meter or rhyme, but on meaning. The writer takes you down a path, but at the end you find you're back at the beginning. Here's an example. And in Dante, everything is or is related to a circle. Scientifically, matter organizes itself into spheres and circles. Seasons cycle. And when i look at my life and its seasons, the various and sundry states that my heart has found itself, and the lessons that i've had to learn "the hard way," it is very evident that i am on a road that goes in circles. I get older every time, but i have to learn similar lessons ridiculously often. Daily routines are circles. What this means, i don't know, but i think it has something to do with we're all here, circling. There is significance to being and doing.

Peace!

a sad day; a good book

2008-08-21T09:14:00.003-05:00

The Little Bread Company of Block St. is no more, because of taxes or something. Let us take a moment to mourn the loss of the proximate best-muffin-in-world, not to mention a wonderful bakery.
..
..
..

On a more pleasant note, i recommend Quentin Durward by Sir Walter Scott as the best vacation heart-refresher literature that ever i laid eyes on (well... at least within the last year or three). It is a journey of the imagination, honor, and character (because who reads knight-errant adventures without being there oneself?). More on this once i've finished it.

I'm in a new house, a new life. The transition is almost complete. My thoughts have been turning to love lost and stuff, so you may expect to hear more on that in the future. And those other things are still rumbling. (Now i'd better live up to these expectations i'm giving you.)

Peace to you. Love someone today.

movement

2008-08-12T18:37:00.002-05:00

There's something happening, i think, because i see it everywhere. God is speaking to people about really, really living as His bride.. really being Christlike. It's here in Europe and here in Africa and all over and so many more places... and i'm excited to see what comes out, mostly because what i see resonates with my soul.

Changing the world has nothing to do with how much media happens about you or how many people know your name or even know about something you did without your name. It is an "ancillary benefit to the life we live." No matter what, you, one-sixbillionth of the world's population, have as much impact as when you would have been one-billionth or one-thousandth. And it's because you're not here for you, you're here for God, because He's making a fractal-tapestry with all of the wonderful and unique and carefully, detailfully created and beautiful lives that happen and come and go and choose. You choose. But God is absolutely omniscient. And He has a beautiful end for everything. Just because my mind can't go around that doesn't mean that it's okay for me to think that what i say and do doesn't have an impact. I don't have to understand, i just have to obey and follow. I am nothing without Him.

I ate ice cream today because i felt sad. But i knew that it was an emotion and ill-founded, because of an unfilled idyllic expectation. I ate ice cream anyway. It was yummy (but i should have gotten hot fudge instead of strawberry). But i said "hello" and "thank you" to the guy in the drive-thru, and i could tell in his eyes that he wanted to change the world but there were layers of stuff on top of him that he thought were preventing him. Just by existing, though, he is doing it.

There is such freedom to have if only we would submit. There is such joy to have if only we would let go. I read this today: "For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will find it." Matt. 16:25. Let's live and love like Christ, okay? like, really, really, really, let's.

a potted watch never boils

2008-08-06T22:23:00.005-05:00

I don't like it when a post starts forming in my head and then i get distracted and it blows to smithereens and i don't even hear the explosion. (I would like to take this moment to point out that Amber Haines taught me the power of a sustained metaphor. Thank you, Amber.)

This week at Camp Barnabas made me think and feel a lot. And i shouldn't do the promise-i'll-write-later thing (i'm trying, along with using specific vocabulary for EVERYTHING, to also never procrastinate ANYTHING--both of which sting the same lazy area of the self) but i will.

Some topics that are rumbling in the popcorn machine of my brain:
-cussin' (a very, very belated response to this)
-pain (there's so much more on that)
-imaginary friends

Good night.

ninjas don't attend weddings

2008-07-27T21:42:00.003-05:00

(My weak attempt at weekly. No guarantees.)

On Thursday morning some friends and i decided to have the traditional (but still incredibly tasty) muffin at the Little Bread Co. and then stroll about the Farmer's Market--a typical but wonderful summer habit of our'n. As we settled into our outdoor booth (who is a huge fan of the little outside wonderland of garden dining right beside the LBC!?), a small boy of Peter Pan-ish expression popped out from the back Secret Hideout area, and joined our breakfast party.

Of the many learned topics we discussed, which included several games and performances on his part, one of note was his undecided future career. "Well," he said decidedly, "I have six choices." He proceeded to name them, and i'm pretty sure singer, drummer, game-maker, baker, and author were among them. He then sang a song (very impressively, i must add), exhorted us to attend his Hawaii Party, and had us guess the name of a series of books he was reading. The titles all had the same pattern: [pl. noun, usu. fantastical character] Don't [verb] [direct object].

This kid is 6 years old. (His parents own the bakery or something; he was being watched over.) It was the most entertaining breakfast any of us had ever experienced.

pain

2008-07-24T11:15:00.004-05:00

I know that hardly anything is written, anywhere, anytime, without some mention or hint of pain. It is the Great Similitude between all humankind. And i have physical pain in my gums from the newfangled torture method commonly known as orthodontics (today they clamped some more ironworks across the front and then rubber-banded my jaws together so that i can only hum and drink through a straw for 21 hours a day--only 7 more weeks, praise the LORD). But that pain is not my subject; it is just what reminded me that i have a nebulous happening in my brain meaning "blog about this." That came into being while i was in France, reading C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain (which i highly recommend).

My very dear friend just came home from China, and i have a feeling we're going to cry together more than we laugh together, at least for a little while. She is one of those precious souls that is motivated by pain for others a good portion of the time, and another good part by compassion. (How does one obey "Bear one another's burdens" without taking them on like the weight of the world?)

The book is a hard read, intellectually at times, but also because Lewis tells the truth. He's honest. And it doesn't sound pretty to say that "The creature's illusion of self-sufficiency must, for the creature's sake, be shattered; and by trouble or fear of trouble on earth... God shatters it 'unmindful of His glory's diminution'... And this illusion of self-sufficiency may be at its strongest in some very honest, kindly, and temperate people, and on such people, therefore, misfortune must fall." This only scratches the surface of his point, but it is so true. There is pain in the fallen world because of the bare fact that we were not created to be independent, but to wholly live through surrender to the Creator in His perfection; honest, humble, Like Christ. His suffering was as great as his compassion--which was all-consuming. In worldly terms, it's grossly unjust. But so was the Cross. And so it goes.

I used to never cry--or only very rarely. Maybe i was too proud or hard or self-sufficient. Then i went away for five months, in the middle of which this blog was born. Somewhere during that time, something happened, and now i cry lots more easily, for which i'm so grateful. It's such a wonderful, honestly human thing: it says, "i'm overwhelmed and totally dependent."

So, as my mouth won't be open very much, i hope my ears and heart and tears will be all the more.

smiles

2008-06-20T22:13:00.005-05:00

Today my mom suprised Lindsey and me by bringing Miss Betty over for lunch (which, for her, was ice cream). Miss Betty said every 5 or 10 minutes, as we sat and ate and smiled and looked at the bird feeder, "Don't you ever wonder why God made birds?" and "Now what do you girls want to study in school?" But she also said once, "Life is always fun. You just have to look at it from an angle. Y'all remember that."

I finished Mrs. Dalloway by Virginia Woolf today, and i think i'm going to like it better as i keep thinking about it. For some reason, one of the gladdest bits for me was when she compared a character to a harpy, and i knew what she was talking about from reading Dante in high school. I think Virginia Woolf is one of those authors who Goes There: using words to describe things that are not physically real, just a wild mental state. I feel funny about doing that in this blog, however slight my attempts are; i think i am afraid that you wouldn't be able to relate, and then think i was off my rocker. Woolf does it a lot, unabashedly, it seems, because maybe she was trying to be a relentless artist.

Sitting at the kitchen table today, i was looking up raw-food recipes and information, and i had a Sean Hayes station going on Pandora, and my hair was in pigtail braids, and i felt like a true person.

As i was waiting at a red light today, a car came up next to me with its windows down, blaring Bob Dylan with his piercing harmonica. I didn't look over, but i should have given him at least a thumbs up or something. Whenever i'm loudly listening to something classic with my windows down i always wonder if people recognize it.

summer

2008-06-19T11:35:00.003-05:00

I wasn't expecting to have a summer. But i got one. It's sad, in a sense, because i'm not around the family that i was just getting to know at Lewis & Clark, and i have no income, but i get to be with my real family. It's significant to me that i lost my job the very same day that my sister had her very last final. If that's not indicative of the need for spending time with her, i don't know what is.

We're leaving on Sunday for France. I don't know if i'll have any sort of consistent Internet access, but if i do, you'll know. Hopefully i'll have gotten over my non-picture-taking phase, and will have something to show for my trip.

I have some thoughts, but they don't want to come out just yet. A real post will hopefully happen soon.

temporary

2008-06-11T20:54:00.002-05:00

Monday: sick, stayed on the couch for about 10 hours.
Tuesday: went on a road trip to Mansfield, MO with the Baileys and the sister.
Wednesday: stayed inside all day, longing to be outside in the beauty of the day but somehow felt absolutely constrained.
Thursday: possible hike, possible ride, Bible study.
Friday: people arrive to stay at my house along with 2 dogs.
Saturday: wedding in Eureka Springs.

I'm really really really ready to be in another country right now, looking at ancient rocks and writing papers about how we think people used to live their lives. I love the summer feeling of Europe. and i hate it when my muscles say, "Very soon we will implode. Please run or something." and i do nothing about it.

a man of constant sorrow

2008-05-31T22:30:00.003-05:00

You know when a blog entry is a big blob in your brain and you don't know what it looks like until it comes out--and you need to write it or it weighs heavier and heavier? Well, this one isn't like that. I just started with a title that came from the song lyric in my head at this moment. And here i go with my thoughts.

I'm thinking about all my friends who are very far away, about to be very far away, or just returned from being very far away. It's a large number. I think i'm really glad about that, because that means that i have friends who know (or are discovering, or have discovered) the value of being someplace utterly and completely different from home, and of getting to know the people and ways of that someplace. Sometimes it's not fun when a lot of them are gone simultaneously, though.

I'm also thinking about change, and how it is sort of like rain: when it's here, there is no end to complaint, but when it is absent it is longed for. Many times it is welcome and then becomes uncomfortable, or it just comes at inconvenient times and then is praised in hindsight. I think this is where we're supposed to learn to praise the Lord in every situation, whether it feels good at the moment or not.

Since i just finished reading The Idiot by F. Dostoyevsky (an excellent book and phenomenal author) i am also thinking about compassion. But that takes a lot more wrestly sort of thoughts that i may write about later, but maybe not.

And here is where i will leave you. Remember that Christ had constant sorrow, and constant compassion. And that's good.

Sweet Sassy Molassy

2008-05-23T11:33:00.002-05:00

There's something cultural about taking things literally. "Sure thing, chicken wing," doesn't mean you are a piece of fowl, a lotta bone and not a lotta flesh. It means "indubitably." And "You like Cinderella? Lost your slipper?" doesn't mean you have one shoe on and the other was left in haste on the palace steps for your true love to find. It means "honey child, you 'bout to fall asleep." And "train for a triathlon" doesn't mean "start an intense workout regime and spend lots of dollars on things." I'm learning what it really means. And it has cost me several wasted days of my life. "Wasting" means spending in selfish thought and action, whether pity party or prideful presumption; being disconnected from the Creator; believing what physical eyes see instead of what is really there. Days spent in distraction are wasted to me.

On Monday the thought came. "I should train for a triathlon." I took it so literally that i bought running shoes and got a summer gym membership (the HPER) and was looking into getting a road bike. I was going for it. On Wednesday night my dad talked to me about being a wise steward and remaining focused on my purpose in life. It felt like a knife in the heart. I moped around for a while, cried, and wasn't very much fun to be with (sorry, girls). Today i realized that i have been given three goals to work towards this summer, and they are physical, mental, and spiritual--sort of like a triathlon has three disciplines. I want to become a better rock climber so that i can have more fun out in Creation, and make more hippie friends. I want to memorize "the Entertainer" by Scott Joplin so that when people find out i play the piano, i actually have something to play, and they can laugh (it's impossible to hear "the Entertainer" played live and not laugh). I want to become faithful and effective in intercessory prayer so that the nations are shaken. How did i think i would have time for anything else? The good thing is that i needed running shoes because i didn't have ANY athletic shoes. And the HPER has rock walls. And the bike would be great for commuting purposes--the tax money i just got is about the exact amount that it would cost. The Lord is so merciful, y'all! (P.S. i've gotten a lot more Southern since i've been working at Lewis and Clark.)

Sweet sassy molassy.

essential extras

2008-05-01T22:44:00.004-05:00

I shouldn't be on here writing this right now, i should be asleep. But i'm wanting some of that gratification that comes from the blind assumption that you are reading this and can relate. (Empathy can be addictive, especially when so easily accessible by Internet, don't you think?) (And you must admit that that vowel alliteration was supremely superb.) (Is it prideful to point out my own literary feats?) (It's DEFINITELY time to stop parenthesizing.) See?

All i wanted to do, reader, was somehow explain a phenomenon that i've recently noticed, mainly through a sweet new friend. She is so exuberantly encouraging that i don't know how i ever could deserve someone like that, but i also don't know what i would do without it. You know? It's SO extra, icing-on-the-cake-and-eat-it-too-with-a-cherry-AND-sugar-on-top, and overflowing and abundant, but at the same time.. necessary?

I think God is like that, except really really fundamental.

Good night.

nomads

2008-04-28T12:50:00.004-05:00

The idea behind the conference is to follow Jesus wherever He goes--giving up attachment to stuff and people and places, and trusting Him for shelter and provision. It doesn't mean sell all and be homeless and unemployed (for most people); it means living with eyes and ears on Him, ready to go anywhere at anytime, and do anything that He may ask.

I'm in the baby stages of learning how to live like that. It's difficult, and it's a process, and it probably looks like the most horrible way to live if you haven't been there. But trials produce perseverance and character and ultimately a hope that is guaranteed to be fulfilled (Romans 5:3-5). And it's the most wonderful thing to be sure of nothing but that you're in absolutely trustworthy hands. It's living eternally instead of temporally. It's not knowing where you're going, but trusting your Leader with everything you have. It's acting from deep passion and conviction, not from responsibility or others' expectations.

He is so good, and faithful, and just, and holy, and full of love and tenderness and fire.

get out the way, Old Dan Tucker

2008-04-23T13:51:00.003-05:00

This weekend is the Nomads conference in OKC. I'm glad, because i am a nomad. And i'm so much more ready for it this year than i was last year (it was in the middle of a crazy calculus/greek/art/french/philosophy semester, not a rolling Springtime non-fanatically-busy life).

I've learned several things recently:

I REALLY love folk music.
Seeing the inside of people means you have to go through the outside of them. Sometimes the inside is scarier than the outside.
Things like rock climbing, or running or biking or hiking or etc., are still beneficial if you do them only once a week! i thought somehow that if you don't do something at least two or three times a week, it has no effect on your body. But it does.
Listening and obeying is much better than hearing and rationalizing. *Note: this lesson has been being learned (ooh! did i just make a perfect imperfect? or a perfect passive participle?) for my entire life, and i will probably still be learning (future participial imperfect? what?) it all my life.

Well, have a great weekend. I'll probably letcha know how it went.

AND you've been wating for this:

..You're too late to get chur supper!!

a good day

2008-04-12T22:09:00.002-05:00

I realize that this blog sort of directly went from Thailand to... nothing. I left it up to your attentively detective minds to figure out where i was and what i was doing. So, this is my remedial post (i know that i have three avid readers, and you all know my where- and whatabouts, so this is mostly for the non-avid section of blog traffic). A description of my day today--a pretty nice one--will do the job credibly, i think.

It was an unusual day in that Mother is on a retreat this weekend, so it's just my sister and me with our father. We manage nicely, i think, but it was strange to wake up and not smell her coffee. Culinarily, the day started off delightfully with a batch of dad-made pancakes--a Saturday morning tradition that makes itself far too scarce these days. Nothing beats the whole-wheat-and-buttermilk heartiness of that breakfast. We lingered over breakfast for a while in discussion, and then went about our business for the day.

Though the shift was rather longer than usual at work today (Lewis and Clark Outfitters), it was a pleasant one. I greeted folks, directed them to the disc golf discs, informed them of the features of various waterproof/breathable jackets, offered them bottles of water, put clothes in fitting rooms for them, and took their money before they left (though many times all there is to do is walk about, straighten the occasional clothes rack, and muse with my cohorts). It was busy here and there, and many of the customers were cheerful and appreciative, which is SUCH a wonderful environment to work in. There are days when most people who come in are grumpy or generally unpleasant, and that makes the day much more difficult. For lunch i brought a mozarella/alfalfa sprout sandwich with hummus on whole wheat, along with some strawberries--delightful. My friend Rebekah came in towards the end of the afternoon, which was a very pleasant surprise. I love visitors!

A change of plan saw me home tonight for dinner. Lindsey and i ran (and biked, respectively) to the grocery store, didn't find what we needed, but DID find a can of gooseberries. Must make a pie, we says. And so, after throwing together a casserole and salad for dinner, i set off to make my First Gooseberry Pie Ever. I had half the filling for the regular amount of crust, so it was a little thin, but it tasted great! It was, in all, a satisfying meal.

So, there you have it! I work, cook (not as often when Mom's around), and do whatever strikes my fancy--which is usually much more pleasant if it is done with friends or family, or outdoors. Hurrah!

i can't wait

2008-04-09T19:23:00.003-05:00

Here are some things that i love to think may be in my future.

My own garden.
My own kitchen.
My own rambunctious family of boys who love adventure and wild things.
My own man to love and submit to and help.

I'm thankful for all the blessings i have now.. but the possibility of these things (among a great many others) is brightly shining ahead of me, and makes my heart skip.

"humility" should really be called "life"

2008-03-31T18:49:00.003-05:00

HUMILITY is a big word; not because i just wrote it in all caps. Nor because of its eight letters. It's a big word because of all of its connotations and false definitions and misinterpretations that are poisonous to our thinking. Instead of bringing up all sorts of ideas of freedom and fulfilled life, the word tends to throw clouds over our minds, and weigh heavy on our brain areas that deal with compulsion. It doesn't make sense to our physical-world-immersed selves.

What a clever trick! Humility really is the most freeing and wonderfully joyful thing that one could possibly embody. It is really counter-intuitive, but when you let go of that, and close your eyes and fall backwards into it, you find that it is the strongest support you'll ever find because it is the Father's Rest. Too bad i don't live there. What does it take? How do we get out from underneath the layers of stacks of worry and care, and just be? What if we're too weak to cast them off?

I think the answer is really close to "Just forget." It's sort of like C.S. Lewis's discussion of Contemplation vs. Enjoyment--they're mutually exclusive, but also codependent.

All this philosophizing...

Note: the 'discussion' link isn't to an exhaustive explanation of the idea, but rather an article mentioning Lewis's thoughts and making an entirely different point at the end. I could have done more research to provide you with a better link, and i may do so in the future. Sorry.

Whose child are you?

2008-03-28T14:24:00.002-05:00

Note: this is from a weekly email by Garold Andersen of Watershed Arts. It's this wonderful every time. -mg

John 8:39 "Our father is Abraham!" they replied. Jesus said, "No. If you were Abraham's children you would act like him."

Looking through the titles on the non-fiction best-seller list a week ago, I saw book after book with 'God' in the title: The God Delusion, God is not Great, Against all Gods, etc. As the titles imply, the authors of these books are writing that believing in God is not only nonsense; it's dangerous.

Why do you imagine that millions of people would buy these books aimed at eradicating the concept of God from the world? Do they actually view God as the enemy of their happiness? Obviously many do. The books I've mentioned, however, are not to blame.

Was it the pagan system of Rome that Jesus confronted in the above verse or was it those who said they knew God? If Mr. Smith's children are bullies, cheats, and liars, why would Mr. Smith be any different? If his children said, "Our father is full of love and teaches us to love others", you would shake your head in disbelief. But when Mr. Smith's children claim to be the children of God, many of the people who meet them say, "I hope the God of these arrogant bullies doesn't really exist." And they are happy when someone writes a book that says he doesn't.

There is not much I can do about those who say that believing in God is stupid or dangerous. There's also little I can do about those who misrepresent God through their greed, lies, and arrogance. I can, however, pray that I am not one of them. "Son of God, full of love and grace, here are the pages of my life. Write the powerful evidence of Your character in me."

cookery

2008-03-23T14:03:00.004-05:00

I've been mussing about in the kitchen quite a bit lately, and thought i should share some of my successful recipes with you.

Yummy Cookie Things That I Sort Of Made Up
Preheat the oven! 350.
1 cup whole wheat flour
1 cup white flour
almost 1 cup wheat germ (about 1/2 inch from the top of the measuring cup)
1 tsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
Blend these until it looks like a pile of healthy nutrition. Then make a depression in the middle and add:
large glop of peanut butter (maybe around 1/2 cup?)
1 stick softened butter
1/2 cup brown sugar
1/4 cup white sugar
1 egg
several squirts of vanilla extract
Start mashing these around until it starts looking uniform. If it is too dry, add:
another egg
and maybe 2 tblsp vegetable oil (if it's still too dry). It shouldn't stick to the bowl much, and be nicely massive.
Add about 1/2 cup of coconut, and mix again.
Roll with your hands into little balls (about 1 inch in diameter) and bake for about 12 minutes, until the top looks dry. These are so small and yummy that they're hard to stop eating, so beware! Also, i baked some extra dough in the bottom of a pie pan and it made an excellent cheesecake crust.

Really Delicious Bok Choy Salad
Dressing:
1/2 cup vinegar (my recipe said red wine vinegar, but i used apple cider because that's what we had)
1/2 cup olive oil
1/2 cup white sugar (this seemed like a lot to me. Maybe less would be better.)
2 tblsp soy sauce
Mix and set aside.
Salad:
1 head bok choy
Wash and shred. The white stems are good, too, but i used mostly the leaves.
The recipe called for green onions, but i didn't add any.
Crunchies:
1.5 cup chow mein noodles (the recipe called for 2 packages of dry ramen, which i think would be better)
1/2 cup slivered almonds
Stir-fry in a little oil for a few minutes, until crunchy and flavorful. Careful to keep stirring or it burns!
Add the crunchies to the salad, and toss with the dressing. Serve immediately.

fear and trembling

2008-03-19T08:16:00.002-05:00

work it out.

punkins, make them muffiny and sugary and then bite them. mm.

in the same way, thrill to opportunites placed before you to serve and surrender.

the meek shall inherit the earth.

check the engine.

here comes the sun

2008-03-12T19:49:00.002-05:00

It's been a crazy week so far; it feels like it's been eons long. I've spent lots of time at dear Lewis & Clark. My emotions have gone wild. And i've leared several valuable lessons.

1) Pay close attention to following distance, especially when it's rush hour and there is a long line of vehicles on the on-ramp. If you don't, one likely outcome is an hour spent trying to un-spear your front bumper from the truck's trailer hitch in front of you, and a driver's door that is inoperable. I know all this from experience. Tip: offering carrot sticks, no matter how delicious, can be ineffective as apology for delaying 4 youths from their dinner.

2) The word "haver" means to talk foolishly or babble, used mostly in Scottish English. Just thought you should know. It's in that song... you know.. the one about walking a thousand miles to fall down at your door (probably one of my top ten favorite songs in the universe. i just love it a whole lot). And i was so curious.

3) It's much easier to wake up early when we have Sprung Forward (perhaps i shall rant about that at another time.. i strongly disagree with Daylight Savings adjustments) when you have an incentive, such as a meeting for Bible study that you know is going to refresh your soul and challenge your heart and realign your priorities. However, it is disappointing to miss the sunrise because of said time change.

4) Casting your cares upon the LORD is an effective way to practice humility. Drinking chocolate malts is not. This is sort of a strange one, and kind of the reason i started this blog entry. Ever since i got back from my meanderings, i've been eating really properly and healthily, almost like i don't care about food anymore. Before i would count food groups and relish sweets and always lick the bowl when i made a cake, and loved food. Lately it's been more that i eat when i'm hungry, stop when i'm full, have what is yummy and healthy, and not really have an appetite for sweets. It's wonderful because i'm always satisfied and full of energy, and food isn't that important to me--i don't think about it much. But today, for some reason, it seemed that i went back to old habits. I had half of Colin's cinnamon roll at work when i had already had a delicious and fulfilling breakfast, and after i ate a perfectly satisfactory lunch, i went to Sonic and got a chocolate malt. Why? I guess i'm used to indulging. But it was against my preference. I didn't really want either the roll or the malt--i had them out of habit. So if humility is "just being honest," then it was prideful to eat those things. I didn't want them. I was satisfied without them. Plus, they were an avenue for worry, because i know what sweet and fatty things do to bodies. That care was something that i didn't cast upon the LORD. I had created it myself.

I love learning lessons. I love growing and making mistakes and learning how not to make them in the future. I love not being perfect. It makes life interesting.

...it's all right.

heart-melters

2008-03-06T19:16:00.003-06:00

My heart feels. It's just feely right now; i don't know how to describe it. It's kind of heavy, and a funny-hurt (like a bruise, you know? or ants in your feet) is sitting there. It kind of swirls up with these things:

1. "Mom and Dad" by Jason Upton. It's a song about growing up. Here are the lyrics:

Mom and dad take a look at me
On my bike riding both hands free
And I'm all right
It's a good night
I'm bigger now that I've ever been
Training wheels, got no need for them
Mom, I'm growing
Dad, I got to get going

We are not the same
Every day, we are changing
Another season fades
But that's o.k.
We are changing anyway

Mom and dad look who's holding me
Someone I get to love and
Dream with on cold nights
And through the hard times
We're sailing out to the great unknown
Our hearts are set on that perfect home
Mom, we won't fight
Dad, the wind's right

Mom and dad the kids sure grow up fast
The more they grow up the more I ask
What am I doing?
I hope it doesn't ruin them
Your ways are worth more than costly gems
I'm digging up my past to remember them
Mom, I love you
Dad, there's nobody like you

Oh man. There's so much about family, and love, and perpetual child-likeness here.. what beauty there is in child-likeness! That swirls my heart so much!

2. The other day i read this about my incredible Savior (Mattew 8:1-2):

When he came down from the mountain, great crowds followed him. And behold, a leper came to him and knelt before him, saying, "Lord, if you will, you can make me clean." And Jesus stretched out his hand and touched him, saying, "I will; be clean." And immediately his leprosy was cleansed.

Do you see it? Do you see the rush of "of COURSE," the compassion, the love? How tender and beautiful! I had to read it over and over, and remember not to cry.

3. Today in the store i was checking out (in the clerk sense of the word) a man.. and his name was so Korean that i had to ask him. It turned out that he was the pastor of the Korean church in our community! I wanted to talk with him more, and ask him lots of questions, but i also wanted to respect cultural boundaries, and situational boundaries, i suppose. The store was pretty busy. But that encounter made my day. There were also these beautiful women, one from India and one from Columbia, who were preparing for a ski trip with their families, and it was such a joy to help them.

4. I'm meeting with a mom for Bible study whose heart is so beautiful..

I don't know why i'm crying right now. It's all these things, i suppose, and the snow outside, and being warm inside, and having my parents here, and knowing that i'm loved (Mom just came in and brought me tissues and held me, because she heard me crying). Yes. I think that's it. Love. I think my heart is growing.

the friendship continuum

2008-03-04T22:36:00.005-06:00

"We can be friends if you want to
There's a friendship waiting to be..."
--Jason Upton, "Beautiful People"

We, as humans, were created for community. The evidence is everywhere, including Scripture. God, as a triune being, is community (i suppose i'm equating it to love); and this sweet fellowship, this sharing in life together, is probably the greatest gift He has given to mankind. Friendship can be difficult, too. One has to work, to invest, to pursue and put effort into friendships, or they peter out. Quality of life is determined by the quality of connection with others.

Every once in a while, however, it is extremely obvious that something is different. Have you ever met someone for the first time, asked them about their heart, or their thoughts, and every word they say could have come out of your own mouth? You may not have much else in common, but processes of mind and heart. It's almost impossible to express in words the deep connection and utter excitement that you feel. Your mind races to find ways to make them understand, "ME TOO! Same same!" Sometimes it feels awkward, because you don't want them to think you're just trying to be cool and relate to them by saying "Me too" to everything they say (point brought up by Evan King).When i met Jessie Elledge in the summer of 2004, it was the first time i had experienced this incredibly immediate bond, and it set my philosophizing wheels a-turning. I labeled it the Dear Friend Phenomenon.

Well, there must be an opposite sort of friend, i thought, and so there is. It's the sort of friend that you share experiences with, and that you grow closer with over time. It is true that the Lord knits your hearts together, but it takes time; perhaps you have more in common. This sort of friend i call a Close Friend. I also realized that there were varying degrees; that it was more of a continuum, Dear at one end and Close at the other. There are definitely those in between; you feel quickly connected with them, but as time goes on you discover this more and more (example for me: Lindi Phillips).

As i shared my hypothesis with Jessie, and as we have become closer (if possible), we have been able to add more evidence to the case. When she went away to Bible school for a year, she remarked to me that her dearest friends were her closest friends there. The people she felt immediatly connected with were the people she spent time with. I experienced this, too, when i did my DTS. We decided that this was a result of such close, intense community, and perhaps did not apply to our continuum.

Friends are wonderful, on or off such a scientific scale. I'd love to be a better one. In any event, community is life. I'm thankful for that.

Thailand Photos

2008-02-18T16:46:00.004-06:00

In honor of our Korean friend, Sarah (from France) and i, matching as we often did, took this photo in Tokyo.View from the top of a temple in Bangkok. The Thai military flag and the King's flag. We always saw these together.Making funny faces on one of our long city bus rides.
Me painting faces in the Bangkok slums.
Painting in Patong.-- "It was all yellow"
Several of our team got baptized in the Andaman Sea. This is the rest of the group looking on.
We got to gallop down the beach on our free day! Me, Charity, and Sarah.
Wuut, our translator, helping us with the work in Chiang Rai.
The whole team, 28 of us, at the tallest waterfall in the Chiang Rai province.

Thanks to Sarah Esquevin for the photos.

Home Again

2008-02-17T15:07:00.002-06:00

"To market, to market, to buy a fat pig
Home again, home again, jiggety jig."
--Mother Goose

the Ocean

2008-02-06T08:36:00.000-06:00

This is a ramble encompassing some of my mind-fodder of late. There is a possibility of further expounding, but it is not guaranteed.

The ocean is very large. It has regular tides and holds thousands of life forms. It is different colors under different weather patterns and has varying temperature according to latitude and longitude. It is a whole different world from the one the vast majority of humanity is comfortable in: land. This difference is as great as the simple difference between solid and liquid. However, similar qualities felt or observed within separate beings or objects create fascination; often communication. Much like different bits of color "call to one another" in a painting, so does the depth and mystery of a soul feel some sort of relation with the depth and mystery of the ocean. People splash and play and get burned to a crisp at the seaside, but there is always the sense of the ocean's inevitability. People even live and breathe upon the ocean, and become familiar with its turnings, and it seems that even then it becomes increasingly personified in their minds.

it's Stain, not Paint

2008-01-31T01:02:00.000-06:00

Today was our last day of work in Chiang Rai. Tomorrow we head off to the almost-home portion of our trip.. and then it's home again, home again, jiggety jig.

I'm sitting in a small internet cafe--a portion of a row of businesses. The walls are pale blue, and the computers are in two neat rows lengthwise along them. The glass sliding doors are open, and i hear the motorcycles splashing past on the wet road. Next door is a restaurant, and the aroma of curry is floating into the cafe, making me think that i will miss Thai food more than i suspect. Another occupant of the cafe is playing a strange musical selection repeatedly: one of those mainstream pop songs, just with a screamer doing BGVs. It's kind of funny. Actually the main point of this paragraph was to say that the curry smells good, but i thought i should give you a few more details before i dropped that bomb.

I woke up this morning with a hymn playing in my mind. It was fabulous. I wanted to savor that moment--it made me feel so secure in my Lord! What a wonderful present to wake up to. Then i had a scrumptious omlette for breakfast, Thai style (really really fried, and served over rice, with one small slice of tomato on the side) along with my habitual spot of tea. My job today was to finish what i'd started yesterday: painting the playground with stain. It's stain, not paint, but to give you an accurate picture of what it looked like, a more accurate verb is "paint." The playground is a wooden structure, little houses connected by bridges. And we put a coat of stain on it of the Spanish Mahogany denomination, and it looks much better than it did before. The work was very pleasant for me, sitting in one of the roofed areas, listening to Jack Johnson. He says, "Can't you see that it's just raining..." and he was right. It was raining. I could see.

AIDS and the Value of Human Life

2008-01-24T06:28:00.000-06:00

One of the main fascinations of my thought life recently has been HIV/AIDS. We are working at an orphanage specifically for children with the virus. I was asking one of the nannies what it was like to work with AIDS children, and she said that it was just like caring for normal kids, except they have to be extra careful when they get scrapes and cuts. Many of the children know multiple languages, and they all speak Thai and English, mainly because they have Thai and Western caretakers. Sometimes i hear them at their lessons, and see them run and play and get into mischief. One little boy is always sporting a Superman costume, and he runs around with his fist out in front of him, and he steps out from behind things with his hands on his hips. His name is Joe. I don't know the rest of his story, but i know that he has made a lasting impression on my memory and my heart.

It reminds me of Never Let Me Go by Kazuo Ishiguro. (Don't read this paragraph if you want to read the book because i'm ruining the surprise in it.) It's a futuristic novel that is actually very close to home. It's about children who grow up in a wonderful boarding school called Haversham, where they get education, physical excercise, good food, and discipline. They are forced to do artistic and creative things, and then when they get older they have to donate their organs. It turns out that they are each clones of another living person somewhere, and they were only created for the use of their body parts. The founder of Haversham was just one worker who had a heart for humanity, and she started the school because other clones all over the country were being treated like livestock. The art was to somehow show those in the beaurocracy that these children really did have souls, and were real people; that they really were worth all the thousands of extra pounds (it was set in England) to give them a sort of life worth living.

Home of the Open Heart is like that, in a way. It really would be a wonderful place to spend one's childhood, even if it is cut short. There is education, clean housing, fun playgrounds, loving care. Most of society rejects anyone with HIV/AIDS, mostly because they are ignorant of the fact that it's not contagious, just infectious. It's a scary thing to have your immune system gone, and so people shy away from it. The result is a heinous amount of hurting humanity, who are most likely going to have an early death anyway. HOH sees the value of human life. No one should live in destitution as a result of oppression by other human beings--that's just horrendous. I see destitution in conjunction with direct environmental factors as something that isn't being helped, though plenty of people in the world could--it's sickening and wrong. But to have a direct physical hand in ruining someone's life is even worse, if possible.

So, even though their earthly lives are doomed from the very moment of their conception to be foreshortened and painful, they shouldn't be doomed to be rejected. We're all in this together--every man physically dies. We might as well make it as eternally worthwhile as possible while we're here. The Creator never intended for humans to shun one another, but to build one another up, and care for one another. Why do you think a mother's instinct is to nourish and care for her baby? Because that's how it's supposed to be: love.

There are so many hurting and impoverished people in the world. How do we care for them all? How can one person make a difference to billions? I think the answer is discipleship. Sort of like the saying about teaching a man to fish. If you teach one man to fish, then he can teach his whole community how to fish, and they can go on to teach the neighboring community, and pretty soon the whole coastline never goes hungry. If we begin with teaching people how to live kindly and generously and lovingly, as it was supposed to be, then that, too, can be contagiously spread throughout communities and the world. All it would take is humility instead of pride, and teachability and cooperating instead of foolhardiness and independence, which is something that must be taught as well. Jesus taught it. My parents taught it to me, and i'm still working on it.

It's a daunting task, saving the world. And we can't do it. But that's why our Creator also provides grace.

Pleasantries and Parents

2008-01-23T06:41:00.000-06:00

I love Nothern Thailand! It's cool in the evenings this time of year, which is lovely. My situation at the moment is really nice. I'm wearing the most comfortable clothes in the world (Thai fisherman pants and a yummy, soft t-shirt), and i'm listening to nice music on the Internet (a rather slight remedy for the fiasco of leaving my iPod behind). I'm nice and tired from a day of hard manual labor, and have a full stomach from a plate of delicious Thai food. It is definitely going to be missed when i get back! I'll want nothing but rice every day. Well, that's a lie. But i will miss the food here. I'm so happy that we are ending our trip in such a salubrious place (if you get my update emails you'll know what 'salubrious' means!) instead of an unpleasant one. The joy of being here reminds me to cherish this time and dulls the ache of wanting to be home. Note: I've been working alongside an erudite teammate of mine, so more of my proverbial vocabulary drawers have been opened in my brain. It's fun.

More people in the US should be on Skype at 7 am. I wonder why they're not?

Wise people who love and support me (i.e. parents) are so wonderful. Especially when i get wild-haired ideas like i sometimes do, and start heading towards things that i would regret, i am ever grateful for their guidance and foresight. I would never have gotten here, and would be somewhere i wouldn't want to be, without them. Thanks, Mom and Dad!

odds and ends

2008-01-18T06:19:00.000-06:00

Within the past week, i have:

had a song stuck in my head for over 60 hours, off and on, but mostly on since those hours involved two overnight bus rides on which i did not sleep very much (it was "Suicidal" or whatever--a song that i actually like for some reason, but i wouldn't mind never hearing it again at this point)
galloped down a relatively clean and unpopulated beach on an Australian horse
helped dig a hole for a septic system
been ill
traveled most of the north-south span of Thailand
killed some cockroaches on a bus
philosophized about life
lost a grandfather
eaten two scoops of blueberry ice cream for about 15 cents
said "all right, pooch" and patted a dog on the head whose name was Pooch, not Gromit
worn long pants for the first time in about a month
listened to one of the most incredible songs in modern history ("Oh What a World" by Rufus Wainwright)
been locked out of a room, and spent my time looking at the pictures in a Thai newspaper

laughter and tears, worry and romance

2008-01-15T20:47:00.000-06:00

As i signed in to my email this morning, there were several messages in reply to my most recent update (i love those!). The first was from Robin Bickel, and it was so full of his personality and zeal for the Lord that it made me laugh with joy. Thank you, sincerely, so much. There were several other equally encouraging emails from dear friends. It is truly a precious thing to hear from loved ones, especially when overseas. And then, another email was from my beloved father, bearing the sad news that my grandfather in France passed away before my mother could get there. We know no details. I'm sure if anyone had been watching me, they would have found it strange that i was crying so soon after laughing.

I haven't been feeling well for the last few days, which is good timing because they haven't been ministry days, just travel and rest. I hope, though, that doesn't affect ministry in Chiang Rai with the HIV/AIDS children, because i know their immune systems are weak or gone. How utterly horrible it would be to cause an early death. I'm pretty sure i'm not contagious at all--just some stomach discomfort, and i've been careful to wash my hands a lot and etc. But still..

Last night i had a lot of time to journal and read. I wanted to read a love story in the Bible, but not the Song of Solomon. So i tried to find romantic stories among the adventures of King David, but the most exciting romance was between him and God. His first wife, who loved him at first, turned against him when he was dancing before the Lord (which was because he truly realized how holy and worthy the Lord is: it was right after Uzzah died when he touched the ark of the covenant to keep it from falling when the oxen stumbled--evidence of the Lord's wrath; then, the ark was moved to Obed-edom's house for three months, and his household was exceedingly blessed while it was there--evidence of the Lord's love and grace) and given to another man. Then, the story of Abigail could have been really romantic, but then David took another wife from Jezreel right afterwards. Lame. They both got captured by the Philistines (or was it the Amalekites?), but it doesn't say anything about David's great relief when he went and rescued them. Imagine how terrible it would be to be kidnapped by the enemy with your husband's other wife. Ugh. So i got tired of David and decided to read Hosea. Let me just say right now that God is way more romantic than any human ever was. I really didn't realize that that was why i was enjoying Hosea so much more until afterwards, and then i chastized myself for my silliness. Of course God is more romantic than man, because He is love. The book of Hosea is so full of emotion--it's the best love story ever, because it is the utmost redemption, the utmost righteousness, the utmost True Love. I could hear God's deep sadness and anger, and then His overwhelming joy, just from reading the words. How right it is to be His, and for Him to be ours. That is what His heart desires all along.

a couple thoughts

2008-01-09T08:17:00.000-06:00

I've realized that i enjoy cooler weather over warmer weather, especially with humidity. However, it is lovely to be here in Phuket, 10 minutes from Patong Beach on foot, mostly because it's in Thailand. It is all very similar to the seaside tourist towns that i visited in Greece. The only difference would be the trinkets in the markets having more elephant themes and the language.

For some reason, i was curious about refusing marriage proposals, so i Google'd it. The only real-life stories on the internet are about accepted proposals, and the rest are usually references to literature--Pride and Prejudice about 25% of the time. Interesting.

Sorry this isn't too detailed. I'll perhaps write again later in the week. It may be evident that there is less opportunity for internet here (it's mostly around $1-2 per hour here, whereas we had it for about 30 cents in Bangkok).

New Year and Change of Location

2008-01-01T21:06:00.000-06:00

When the clock officially turned from 11:59 PM to 12:00 AM on January 1, 2008 in Bangkok, i was discussing the subtle but vital link between poverty and religion. For, if one's religion follows through on ideas enough to make humanity equal to or lesser than, say, rats, or cows, or anything else, there is no motivation to get rid of pests and therefore save lives, nor to use readily available resources (meager as they may be) to solve mass hunger. This is why Christ is the only solution to world problems; for when one embraces Him and His ideas concerning humanity, one recognizes that mankind is truly worth more than the rest of the stuff in the world. Thanks to Merry from Maui for giving me several days' (and probably years) worth of food for thought.

Yesterday we got on a bus and drove for 12 hours overnight to reach our next outreach destination: Phuket! It's quite beautiful. I'm sure i'll share pictures sometime in the future, near or far. I'm excited to serve our British hosts, and founders of the SHE ministry (Self-Help and Empowerment for prostitutes).

The Latest, Greatest Adventure

2007-12-31T07:04:00.001-06:00

Today, being New Year's Eve, was a free day for we In-Thailand folk. It started out slowly, we percieving not that adventure was waiting at its nether parts. In fact, our imperception was more accurate than we thought...

It all started when the sun went down. The light faded, the sky turned a smoggy orange, and reading out on the breezy balcony was impossible without blindness closing in soon afterward. I thought to myself, thought i, "Self, it's about time you and Veronica got some meat on your bones." So i gathered up my belongings (three half-read novels) and began to query my vicinity as to the status of my napping roommate. She had just woken up, and was in the state of mind often called "grouchy" in the vernacular. "Yo Vron," i threw down, "Whaddaya say we grab some grub up in this hood?" She, being kindly disposed to the idea, proceeded to prepare for such a venture.

As we walked along the dusky lane tangent to our dwelling, our conversation turned from mangy dogs and being run over by speeding drivers to the destination that would fulfill our quest, having been altogether indecisive up to this point. I, missing the American enterprise so widely accepted in our five-minute-or-not-innit society also known as the sandwich, suggested to the chagrin of my companion that we settle for KFC. She, being greatly indisposed to such an insult to the culture that we found ourselves in, made a remark to the effect that her preference was simple, English-speaking asian food. As we passed by the proximate option, Hot Pot, she also remarked that she had always wanted to have the cultural experience of cooking the food in a provided vessel centrally located on the table. I, being the kind and decisive friend that i am, considered the option taken, and began to redirect our steps to reach the point of interest: Hot Pot.

Slight wariness set in as we were handed the menu. It consisted of many pictures of single, uncooked food items, and their prices. There was no suggested mixture that we saw, so, I, being the imaginatively experienced friend that i am, started pointing things out to our waiter (who spoke "medium" English, which really meant not much at all). Feeling satisfied with the sensible order of beef, bok choy, and baby corn, with a side of vegetable noodles, i sat back in expectation of our delicous and imminent meal. Veronica, on the other hand, felt uncomfortable at the crowd of wait staff that was accumulating at our table in anticipation of our selections, and began to vociferate against the unfamiliarity and choice of restaurant.

When the order came, we discovered that, in proportion to our pot, it was quite meager. Wishing to fill our stomachs with more than a few leaves and slices of beef, we decided to use our ignorance to our advantage. Desperately, we appealed to the waiter to suggest more additions to the soup that was forming under our attention. He pointed out several more vegetables that suited our fancy. Veronica was ever skeptical, mutteringly eating the green, curly noodles. "The sauce is good," she admitted darkly. However, once there was less empty space in our pot, and it had come to a rollicking boil, the general atmosphere across the table from me improved. The sauce was indeed quite good. Our conversation began to include hopes and plans for much more cookery in the future, as well as many a giggle over our situation.

It turned out to be a satisfying meal, though we were the center of attention and probably a main topic of conversation in the kitchen. Our waiter saluted us with an erudite, "Happy New Year," which we heartily returned. We had had a truly cultural experience, and we both felt improved as individuals as we left.

A Snapshot of Sights and Sounds

2007-12-30T01:46:00.000-06:00

We had to move yesterday because a new group was coming in. We just went down the street, so it's not bad at all. I actually like this place better than the old place. Veronica and i are in a large room on the top floor... It's really nice and airy, with yellow walls and flowery curtains, and the beds are more comfortable than the other ones. We don't have air conditioning, but we don't really need it because we have more-than-adequate ventilation. Sounds are really distinct up there: the roars on the street, the twitterings in the air, the splashes and creakings in the rooms below.

There's a roundabout on a road that we frequently travel, and it reminds me of Dad because he likes roundabouts. I also saw a baby elephant in the middle of the city, and i got to pet it. Elephant skin feels kind of loose, not like i imagined it would feel. Another interesting sight came rather out of the blue. Yesterday when we were walking out of the slums, we came to a dock on the big river that goes through Bangkok. There was a huge tanker ship there, and we asked if we could see it, and they let us on board and gave us a tour. It was really interesting. They were from Georgia (by the Black Sea and Russia, not in the U.S.). I also noticed the other day how many 7-Elevens there are here: basically one on every corner!

the real Bangkok

2007-12-27T21:22:00.001-06:00

The tourist attractions of Bangkok--the elaborate temples, the beautiful palaces, the colorful markets--are not what define the city. One has to search for them amid dirty sidestreets and gargantuan highway bridges, past the plastic lawn chairs of the street restaurants and a mangled beggar or two. The city is not the ancient sights, but the people and how they live.

Two nights ago, three of my teammates and i had the privilege of experiencing the reality of Bangkok. We went to visit the friends of a couple of the girls who are a part of the ministry we have been serving, and to see if there was a place we could return to with the rest of the team.

Much of the evening consisted of walking through the streets of the slums. One girl lived down a narrow walkway, inside a house with a bright blue door. Her living room consisted of a platform of wooden planks to sit on, furnished with an oscillating fan.

As we walked, the girls kept meeting people they knew, and they would feel free to join our expedition. Soon we had a party of over ten, not including the five "falangs" (Thai word for foreigner). They didn't speak much English, and we didn't speak much Thai, but we managed to exchange names and ages somewhat accurately. They seemed to be a little wary of us, but they were always friendly, as is Thai culture.

At one point, we came across a group of about twenty children, mostly boys. After some mingling, and some attempts at English ("Falang! How are you?"), they decided to take us through a short cut. As we made our way through junky yards, and in between closely-spaced houses, across board-bridges over puddles, and past multitudes of flea-bitten dogs, we felt completely immersed in Thailand. We couldn't understand a word that was being trumpeted about us, and as we walked we caught glimpses of home life: moms cooking, children watching small TV sets, men sitting and smoking.

That was a night that i am not likely to forget.

Tidbits of Thailand

2007-12-24T22:55:00.001-06:00

The Thai language is really beautiful. There are five tones (low, mid, high, rising, falling) and the script has over 40 characters (i think) and many of them are very similar. It would be a very difficult language to study in depth (though not as much as Mandarin, i think, because the characters are made of an alphabet, not words).
Here is the extent of my Thai:
Sawatdee-kaa! Hello!
Korp kun kaa. Thank you.
Sam Three
See* Four
Sip Ten
*most recent addition

The most recent thing that has caught my attention about Bangkok is that i never see any old, junky cars like in America. They all drive really nice cars, and if they are older models, they don't look abused. I'm not sure why this is, but my current theory is that only rich people drive cars, and then they take really good care of them. I was expecting the compactness of Europe in the roads and transportation here, but that's not the case--the roads are wide and the vehicles are as large as in America. They do drive on the left, which was intriguing to me; upon further research, Thailand, Japan, and Indonesia are the only countries that drive on the left without having ever been under British control.

I don't think i'll ever get tired of Thai food. It's so delicous, and there is such variety. However, some of my teammates have eaten fried grasshoppers and crickets and maggots and squid and other creepy crawly or equally disgusting things, and i declined partaking in these. I do think it's important to be open to trying extra-cultural foods, but i would not seek them out and buy them. I would only eat them if i had to--like if a host had specially prepared them for me, and would be absolutetly offended if i did not accept his hospitality.

I love being in a different culture, but i also feel sorry for the Thai people that my team has been around for the first few days here. I'm sure we've made some atrocious mistakes. There have been several times that i've forgotten to "wai" back (the hands-together bow greeting, similar to our handshake), or i've touched someone's head (the highest, most respected part of the body--not to be touched unless given permission), or i've been too respectful to people in positions of service. We will learn, we will learn.

Bangkok

2007-12-20T07:19:00.001-06:00

It's really large--the complete opposite of Denver, as cities go. There are skyscrapers splashed all over the city, not only a small cluster in the center. They drive on the left (though they were never part of the British Empire, similar to Japan and Indonesia). There's a river through the middle of it. And it's dirty.

But the people are beautiful, and they live their lives.

yes?

2007-12-15T23:35:00.001-06:00

It's a simple word.
It's the first word that came to mind when i was trying to think of a title for this blog.

But upon further speculation, it has more significance than a random space-filler.

"Yes" is the affirmative answer to a question. It is the opposite of "no." It also represents a willingness that i would like to embody. I'm leaving in less than 30 hours for Thailand, an adventure that will leave me lots of opportunity to obey or to rebel. It is my desire to be recklessly abandoned in my pursuit of God, and that requires a "yes" to all that He would ask of me, even the uncomfortable.

There is another "yes" that is required for me before i can live out the former one. The Scriptures say that all our promises in Christ are "Yes" and "Amen," meaning we have full assurance of them. There is not much we can be fully assured of in this world, but in Christ, there is: everything He said. And this releases me to say, "Yes!" back to Him, not only with my mind, but with my life.